I don’t usually use the phrase “If I only knew” because it seems very negative to me.

Recently, I figured that this line could actually allude to a person’s negative experience. But the good thing: It could also lead to firm resolutions or better decisions.

People say “If I only knew” whenever he fails to do the right thing simply due to lack of better judgment.

If I only knew…

1. If I only knew that I would be writing blogs, then I should have taken my English and grammar subjects more seriously. And I won’t be having a hard time, at this very moment, trying to figure out proper word usage. Is it “If I only knew” or “If only I knew?” They actually sound the same to me. Whatever… Naiintindihan niyo naman ako, ‘di ba?

2. If I only knew that mothers really know what’s best for their children, then I shouldn’t have wasted my time dwelling on senseless thoughts about her and our relationship. Daming oras ko rin nag-drama mag-isa thinking she simply doesn’t understand me.

3. If I only knew na hindi naman pala totoo na kinukuha ng daga yung ipin sa ilalim ng unan para tumubo agad yung bungi ko, then I should never had hidden a tooth under my pillow cause it was not hygienic.

4. If I only knew that every word that comes out of my mouth is heard like a prayer, then I should have been more careful, and things would have been different. Patawa ko lang yun dati. “Kahit walang asawa basta may anak,” parati kong sinasabi dati. Ayun, nangyari nga. Hahaha! Kaya binabawi ko na.

5. If I only knew that today, I will pay for my drinking water (when before, as far as I can remember, it was actually a free gift from God), then I should have saved more water and pioneered the mineral, spring, distilled, filtered, purified water business.

6. If I only knew that EDSA would be filled with billboards, I should have spent more time looking and appreciating the sky before.

7. If I only knew that sleep would one day be a luxury for me, I should have slept longer and more often before.

8. If I only knew that one day, I would be forced to leave our house because of work and other matters, then I should have stayed home more often before.

9. If I only knew, that whiter skin would be the “in” thing, I should have pursued more indoor activites.

10. If I only knew that I won’t be able to use all my shoes because they just get “sira” due to bad weather or get “amag” while kept inside my cabinet, then I could have been wiser in not buying excess stuff.

11. If I only knew that getting mad at someone and being unforgiving would just be a burden me and not the other person’s, then I shouldn’t have harbored unnecessary sentiments.

12. If I only knew na ‘pag nayayabangan ka sa isang tao just means na mayabang ka rin, eh, ‘di sana, maaga ko naalis yun. Well, totoo nga naman…paano ka mayayabangan kung di ka mayabang? Kasi kung di ka mayabang, eh, di dapat hindi ako affected.

13. If I only knew that happiness is a decision and not an emotion, then I could have decided earlier.

14. If I only knew that God truly answers all prayers, then I should have given Him the chance to truly help me during the difficult time of my life. I shouldn’t have relied on my own perceptions. Or, maybe, I could have spared myself from some of the misery I went through.

15. If I only knew that God loves me more than I love myself, then I shouldn’t have worried too much and just used my time moving forward fruitfully.

If I only knew all these, then I would not have gone through all that I’ve been through. I would have experienced all of it. And I would not be saying, “If I only knew,” now

Past is past. True. Do forget the pain, the drama, acting, etc. But remember how the incidents changed our lives. Otherwise, we also forget the lessons learned from each experience. Positive pa rin naman pala. It’s all a matter of perception or how you look at things, and attitude or how you deal with them.

Nahumaling ako recently sa mga Koreanovelas. As in, walang tayuan…’Pag kailangan umalis, I will bring my portable DVD player. Amazing! I have never been so involved and addicted to stuff like that. Nakakatuwa, nakakaaliw at nakakaalis ng stress. As if naman sobrang stress ko. True, compared to the people living in Iraq, kung saan merong war, napaka-relax ng buhay ko.

I was wondering lang, kung sa Iraq ako nakatira, every minute, praning ako. I guess I won’t be able to even enjoy a meal for the fear that a bomb might suddenly land at any moment. Kaya, stress ba ako?! But then again, I can’t help but ponder on things that are happening around me. Well maybe, there’s a war happening inside me (pa-deep naman!).

John Lapus advised me recently to read his blog entry first before posting mine. Kasi nga daw, madami ang nagsasabi na gumagaya daw ako sa kanya.  Hindi naman po ganun yun. Nagkakataon lang siguro. Tama din naman si Sweet sa sinabi niya, siguro dahil magkaibigan kami kaya pareho kami mag-isip minsan. Siguro nga. Kaya ang tagal ko nag-isip, ano ba ang hindi isusulat ni Sweet para hindi kami pareho? To think na ang tagal na ni Sweet sumusulat for PEP kaya ang dami na niya, for sure, issues and topics na-share sa inyo? Pero the topic should also be universal in nature…

Hmmm menstruation? Sigurado ako, hindi makaka-relate si Sweet doon. Breakups? Wala naman ako doon. Kids, playschool, summer classes, ADHD, toys, pwede…but they don’t really tickle me that much. Kaya heto ako sa Koreanovelas, na kung saan nga ako nahumaling.

Bakit ako natutuwa sa Koreanovelas? Ang simple ng mga plots nila ngunit ito ay napagsasanga-sanga. It always has something to do with their culture, traditions, elders, values. This makes it more interesting for me. It’s a fusion between the old tradition and the present development of Korean life. From this fusion comes the conflict.  O ‘di ba, nakakatuwa!!! O, baka ako lang talaga ang natutuwa?

Tama rin naman si Direk Wenn Deramas  na lumang style na iyan. Nagamit na nila Rogelio dela Rosa. Tama rin siya. Dahil Asian nga ang traditions kaya magkalapit at kapit na kapit sa panlasang pinoy.  Kaya lang, ‘di na yata tayo gumagawa ng mga ganoong klase ng pelikula.

In the same manner that my curiosity is now leading me to visit their country. Most of the telenovelas I had watched showed the splendid views that Korea has.

Korean research showed that economy and multimedia go hand in hand with each other.  Multimedia plays an important factor in boosting the economy. That’s why, the Koreans had used these tool to uplift their economy. Thus, we are now having the what they call “Korean Wave.” People are more interested to go, explore, and invest in Korea. The Korean government subsidizes films or TV series that promotes Korean culture and their beautiful sights. Tama din naman sila doon. Alam kaya yun ng gobyerno natin.

I’d like to believe na alam. Nagkataon lang kasi na talagang corrupt ang gobyerno natin. Sa sobrang corrupt ng gobyerno natin, ayan…meron tayong Filipino reality telenovela: The Lozada story that has shaken the nation again, and again, and again.

In fairness, the plot thickens. Each day, new characters are being introduced making the main plot more complicated. The protagonist sometimes becomes the antagonist and vice-versa. Surveys have been made to see if people find Lozada’s revelation believable. The answer seems to be a resounding “YES. Yes, we believe!”

Then what? Yes, then what’s next? After all these hulakabola, character check, live-for-10 hours-no commercial senate investigations, with grand standing, grand exits and grand revelations—what will happen next?

I think, even Lozada himself has given up on expecting that something good will come out of his expose.

But personally, the issue is beyond questioning whether it’s the truth or not.  We all know in our hearts what the truth is. But what will happen next? This is not a feel-good Koreanovela where a resolution inevitably happens towards the end. Why?  Every one seems to have some personal agenda besides the Filipinos welfare. Sad. Really sad. This is like a tragic comedy where the real tragedy is us and the comedy part is that we all take part in this.

I read that “a nation is given a leader of what they deserve.” Does this mean that the Filipino deserves the things that are currently happening? Hopefully not. Maybe, before do finger-pointing, let’s try to see how we can live our lives as well.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not mad at Lozada. Not at all. I am not questioning what he’s been saying and doing lately. It’s more like, what have we done as individuals to make life better? It’s so easy to find faults on others and blame them for what’s happening now. But do we get something out of finger-pointing? Do we get relief? Solutions? Answers? Food on the table?  Haaaay! Maybe we are all corrupt in a way. Maybe we are all guilty of such a crime.

Bigat ba? Baka mali nga lahat ng sinabi ko. Kung ‘di kayo nag-agree sa sinabi ko, sensya na. Nakaka-Lozada!

NAKAKA-LOZADA: means nakakaiyak, or nakakapagod, or nakaka-confuse.

Yup, nakaka-confuse because I’m quite sure that Lozada himself does not know who to believe anymore.

People are asking where they can watch me. I have no regular show at this very moment that I am typing this entry. I do a lot of corporate shows though. Meron din akong sariling telenovela, where I used to be a passerby then, all of a sudden, I would become a main character. Meron sinasabi ang mga tao sa paligid. I would misinterpret some scenes. The characters involved in my story would say something, but mean otherwise.

I am watching my own telenovela in subtitles. I bet most of you think it is show business kasi, e.  Nope, it’s just how life is. Hopefully, one day, the subtitles will be corrected by a real and genuine interpreter.

SUMA-SUBTITLE: means caught in a situation you can’t understand; Or, to be misunderstood; Or, to be misled.

I attended the surprise birthday salubong party for Mr. Tony Tuviera. It was a simple no frills, intimate, homey, and simple gathering of friends and family. Hindi NAKAKA-LOZADA or SUMA-SUBTITLE.  It’s very basic. I realized that evening that life is very simple. Ang hilig ko lang talaga i-complicate sometimes. From then on, when I feel Iraq.

IRAQ: means to be lost, chaotic; stressed; sad; angry

I find comfort and I feel at ease when buma-basic ako.

BUMA-BASIC: means not to complicate; look at the essentials; unburden.

Nag-guest ako sa GMA-7 show, Kung Ako Ikaw. Natalo ako. Okay lang naman. I gained so much with such an experience. Pinagtanim ako ng strawberries at ginawa ko pa itong strawberry jam. What struck me the most was the fact that the people in Benguet are being paid like twenty pesos per set for such kind of hard work (pag-alis ng ligaw na damo, paglinis, pagbungkal, pag-flat, paglagay ng fertilizer, pag-ayos at pagtanim) under the sun. Though they can finish like 20 sets a day, it’s still hard work.

They wake up early in the morning and finish at 5:00 p.m. Ang daming kailangan pagdaanan ang isang strawberry. At ‘pag hindi pa tama ang pagkaka-alaga, aasim pa ito. When I look at these hard working farmers, they seem to be okay. I’m sure meron naman silang problema. Pero anong iko-complain ko before them? Wala. Baka ako mismo ang itanim nila sa lupa dahil sa mga baduy na concerns ko.

NAKAKA-STRAWBERRY: means maraming pinagdaanan; or, very precious; or, important and blessed.

Life is a stage and we are all a part of it. Nakaka-Lozada talaga ang mga given situations sa atin, everyday of our life. After  reviewing the mga suma-subtitles na scenes and characters in our life, para ‘di tayo malungkot, buma-basic dapat ang acting natin. Looking at it kasi, meron pa bang lalala sa situation natin, eh, meron ngang giyera sa Iraq? At ‘pag ganyan ang perspective natin, nakaka-strawberry ang feeling.

Tuwing nagpapagupit ako o nagbabago ng hairstyle naalala ko ang aking director/ mentor/teacher, si Prof. Tony Mabesa, at ang mga araw ko sa kolehiyo sa UP. Ang taas ng respeto ko kay Prof. Mabesa sa larangan ng pagtuturo, pagdirek, katalihuhan, at sa estilo ng pagdidisiplina sa amin.

Mga detalye na hindi na namin napapansin ngunit nakikita niya. Ipinapaalam niya sa amin ang importansya ng mga maliliit na detalye dahil ang mga ito ang magiging basehan ng malaking kabuuan ng finished product o ng isang stage play. Alam din niya kung ang isang tao ay may talento, wala, ma-iimprove, o wala ng pag-asa. Tingin niyo, “idol” ko ba siya?

Ang weird kasi ‘pag di ako napapagalitan o napagsasabihan ay mas kinakabahan ako.

Maari bang wala na akong pag-asa bilang artista? Kasi parati niyang sinasabi na, “I have no time and energy to waste for people who has no talent. Bakit pa? Matuwa ka kung napagsasabihan pa kita kasi ibig sabihin may pag-asa ka pa.” (Oo nga pala, lahat ito ay dine-deliver sa isang mababang tono.) Karugtong nito ay ang kanyang linya na: “Who do you think you are? God’s gift to Philippine Theater?”

Sa talak, ang dami niyang words na alam, pero sa pagpupuri ay kokonti ang salita, pahapyaw pa minsan. Kung mahina-hina ang pick-up mo sa araw na yun, kawawa ka naman at hindi mo nalaman na pinuri ka pala.

Isa sa masasayang araw ko sa teatro ay pagkatapos ng unang run namin ng Sanskrit play, Laruang Kariton. Nilapitan ako ni Prof. Tony Mabesa at sinabi niya sa akin, “Candy, you are so graceful onstage. Keep it up. O nga pala, you’re already casted for the next play, Ang Bakasyonista. Don’t cut that hair. Your long black straight hair looks good onstage.” With awe and humility, I replied, “Thank you, Sir. Thank you po talaga.”

S’yempre ‘di ko napigilan ang sarili ko at agad kong naikuwento sa mga classmates ko sa theater yung incident. Laruang Kariton finished. So, slightly, alam na ng kalahati ng UP Diliman.

As we were about to start the rehearsal and reading for Bakasyonista,  I got news from the SM (stage manager) that I was no longer part of the cast. “Aahh…ehhh…ano kamo? Bakit?” Sabi niya, “Sir Tony told me so.”

To cut the long story short, nagkasalubong kami ni Sir Tony sa may FC (Faculty Center) corridor and he called my attention, “Candy, there are more plays after this. You should rest for a while. Let’s give this to Ayen Munji. She’s new and there might be a lot of singing. She’s a good singer. Kailangan ko mestiza at matangos ang ilong.”

Aray! Taong bayan pala ang level ko!

Nakatunganga ako. Nakanganga ako. Naiinis ako. Naiyak ako.

I decided to cut class, went straight to the salon and had my hair cut really, really short. Sir Tony said he loves my long, black, straight hair.  It’s all gone. That evening, I went back to the rehearsal room, where they were having reading sessions for the new play. He didn’t recognize me at first. When Sir Tony recognized me, he said, “Why did you cut your hair,

Carmela? Sayang naman.”

I smiled. I simply smiled. I wanted to tell him, “You wanted my hair so badly and I cut it short because you told me not to.”

Sa totoo lang, parang ‘di naman siya masyado na-aafect sa pagpapagupit ko. Pero ang pakiramdam ko, nakawala ako. Weird! Ako naman ang nabawasan ng buhok, bakit ko iisipin na siya ang maapektuhan?

Confeeerrrm mga marsie! Women could express their intense emotions with their hair. Ngayon ‘pag naiinis ako, magpapagupit ako or papa-color, or papa-hot oil! Basta it has something to do with my head and pampering myself. Pero kailangan talaga ma-touch ang ulo ko, kahit blower lang. It does make me feel better afterwards.

Actually, kahit hindi mo galawin ang buhok mo ay lalabas pa rin ang pinagdadaanan mo as a person.

Sa mga stress: nakakalbo or alopescia.

The sign of wisdom: White hair

The sign of lack of nutrients: Falling hair

The sign of depression: Brittle hair or split ends. (Depressed ka nga ‘no time to fix your self.)

When you watch telenovelas, you might notice that when the character is poor—the hair is usually flat and straight. But then, when the character becomes rich, nagiging kulot. Bakit? ‘Di ko rin alam. Siguro dahil meron na siyang pangkulot, time for blower and all.

The people with short hair: Usually are the people on the go, the wash-and-wear type of people.

Over the past few years, I have gone through a lot of hair changes, color, cut, perm, straight, trim, layering, cold oil and hot oil treatments. Pagpapakalbo na lang ang ‘di ko napapatulan.

Truly, these procedures have always made me feel better. Whenever I feel so burdened, I will resort to having a haircut. The feeling is like unloading and cutting off the tangled burdens in my system.

After a failed relationship or an emotional turmoil, I would resort to a new hair color. It’s like seeing things differently and starting anew. Nung bagong hiwalay ako, halos two days ako sa salon. Overhaul ang pinagawa ko.

‘Pag wala akong trabaho, tambayan ko ang salon. Tutal, libre naman ang iced tea dun kaya chika, cleaning, waxing, lahat ginagawa ko. One day at a time para meron akong gagawin next day. It’s like preparing my self for whatever is in store for me next.

There was a time, I was kind of dating a younger guy, naks! Pa-pony tail and pig tail naman ang arrive ko. Not only that, Princess Hours naman ang influence ko nun.

There was a time naman feeling babaeng-babae ako (meron mga nagpaparamdam at meron naman akong mga type) kaya naman, long ang always with a curl ang buhok ko.

What’s on your head?

Ngayon, I have short hair. As in, really short hair…Whatever I’m going through, hulaan niyo na lang. Basta bigla na lang ako pumunta ng salon, ang sabi ko, “Gupitan mo nga ako. Siguro, na-dissapoint na naman ako ng bonggang-bongga sa mga taong inaasahan ko.”

No wonder kung bakit nga naman, karamihan sa mga hairstylist ay nagiging kaibigan ng kliyente. My hairstylist now has been a friend. In fact, even way before she became my hairdresser. Her magic works all the time. Sabi nga, whoever touches your head, touches your soul, and parang it’s true naman.

In other words, every thing that we do to ourselves externally is a result or reaction to whatever is bugging you internally. Kaya ingat ka at baka basang-basa ka ng mga tao sa paligid mo?

Ang daming nagtatanong sa akin through email and all that stuff who cuts my hair. Heto siya, si Celeste Tuviera of Symmetria Salon. Ang Salon niya ay sa may Connecticut, Greenhills.

The people you allow to transform you, lighten up your spirit, and boost you up are the people you trust and, most of the time, they simply don’t know. Thanks, Celes.

Weird ba ako? Pero I know, true naman ito sa nakakarami. Ikaw, nasaan ka ngayon? What’s your “headline”?

Ladylara_16, lear1977, eym, cezangmakulit, maldita00, sheela lou, and to all who said nice things about my last post—salamat talaga! Discrimination comes in many forms.

BSB, reading your comments felt funny and weird. Reading people’s comments about you and the way you replied made me realize that we are all guilty of discrimination, one way or another.

Nina, nice one for taking care of that old lady.

Celebee, okay lang yun. Ako din naman before, naiingayan ako sa mga batang naglulupasay sa mall. Nadya-judge ko pati ang parents. Lack of knowledge yun on our part.

On the way to Baguio, we had a stopover at a Chowking branch located beside a gas station, just before approaching McArthur Highway, to grab three sodas and two orders of butchi (Chinese dessert). My P.A.-yaya—who is small, thin, very meek, and with Visayan accent—went inside to order. My driver and I waited in the car.

A group of yuppies went in, ordered, got their orders, and left. My poor yaya was still inside waiting for her turn to be served. What’s taking her so long? 20 minutes…30 minutes…

I already had this feeling that they were not paying attention to my yaya. But I had also hoped not. I went down went to the counter where my helpless yaya had been standing for 30 minutes already.

Candy: Bakit ang tagal mo?

Yaya: ‘Di pa po nila binibigay yung soft drinks, ‘tapos kanina, nagkamali sila ng naibigay sa akin na order,

Thought bubble: Butchi and soda lang ang pinabili ko, naguluhan ba sila? o si yaya?

Candy (addressing the cashier): Excuse me, Miss. Kanina pa po naghihintay itong kasama ko para po sa soft drinks. Thirty minutes na para sa soft drinks.

Chowking Cashier: Ah…Eh…. Miss… Naku… (Grabbed the mic) Sir, please come to the counter now.

Candy: Bakit nagtatawag ka ng tulong? ‘Di naman kita inaaway. Tinatanong ko lang kung bakit wala pa ang soft drinks?

Chowking Cashier (still on the mic): Sir, counter please.

Thought bubble: Tingin ba niya, tanga ako at hindi ko alam yung ginagawa niya o bingi lang siya?

Manager came in less than three minutes. He immediately handed our soft drinks.
Bakit may double standard? Hindi lang ito minsan na nangyari sa kasama ko. Nakakaawa ang mga taong nate-take for granted ng mga mahiyaing tao.

Candy: Richard, ikaw na bumili ng chocolate diyan sa loob?

Richard: Opo, Ma’am.

In a few minutes, my driver went back telling me he wasn’t able to buy because they didn’t have change for a thousand. We were in a gas station. Hello! Ako ang bumaba. Ako ang bumili. Binaryahan nila one thousand pesos for two bars of chocolate. This time, I really felt bad for my driver. Discrimination. Who do they push these people aside? A puzzle to me.

Mall day namin, we were at Crossing around 7:00 p.m. I was with my son Quentin and two yayas. Meron silang mga big letters spelled as L-O-V-E. Quentin would go to each and say the letter (He’s on this stage where he reads every letter he sees, thank God!) Sobrang thank God! I have been waiting for that day when I would finally hear my son talk and recognize letters.

Pinaglalaruan niya yung letter O, trying to get inside the loop of the letter O. A shoe displayed on top of the letter fell several times. I heard the sales lady say: “Guard!”

When I heard that, I immediately ran to the spot where my son was.

Saleslady: Ay, si Ms. Candy pala.

Candy: Pasensiya na po.

Saleslady: Okay lang. Tinatakot lang namin.

Candy: Hindi niyo na po siya kailangan takutin dahil takot ho talaga siya sa tao at sa labas. Pati pala ang anak ko, victim.

My son, sister, two yayas, and I went to Shangri-La for dinner. My son was his usual hyperactive self. We decided to eat at the 6th floor. The minute we reached the sixth floor, Quentin saw a lot of people and got disoriented. My therapist told me that I should bring my son to the mall, let him mingle with people so he can get use to them. I was instructed that if Q starts to cry, I would simply ignore him. No kid has ever died from crying. That’s the first rule of Q’s developmental doctor: Do something about my son’s manipulative attitude.

As I expected, Quentin suddenly sat on the floor, whined, and shouted. So I turned away knowing that the two yayas were just beside him. That was the only way he would realize that crying is not the proper way to call my attention. The next thing I saw were the guards in barong approaching my son. They were looking at him as if he committed a crime.

Takbo agad ako sa anak ko. Binuhat ko agad. Sira na agad ang diskarte and disciplining strategy namin. Q pulled my hair. The guards stood there and stopped when they saw me running after the boy.

Thought bubble: Bakit? Huhulihin ba nila yung bata kasi maingay? Bawal ba maingay na bata dito? My child has some sensory integration problem but I don’t think it’s fair for the guards to crowd on him like that. He’s just 4. If you are four, adults look so much bigger in size. This is not the first time the guards of Shangri-La did that to my son. Is it concern? Or is it a warning for the adults? That crying children are not allowed to go inside the mall?

Q had some crying events inside Rustan’s. But I don’t remember guards crowding him.

Masakit ‘pag minamaliit ng mga tao ang mga kasamahan ko. Mas masakit ‘pag iba ang tingin ng tao sa anak ko.  Our culture is not very friendly with special children.

Minsan, nag-order ako sa Classic Cuisine dahil alam kong gutom na ang anak ko. Sa limang ulam na inorder ko, tatlo ang wala. That’s okay. Couldn’t finish all of them naman. The problem was they told me that my order wasn’t available after like 15minutes. I asked them how long would be the waiting time? It’s 15-20minutes daw…

Chika. aliwin si Quentin. Chika…

Aba, sandali lang! Bakit nauna pa yung order nung kabilang table?  Eh, sigurado ako nauna kami sa kanila. To top it all, my son was already restless.
Waiter: Eh, Ma’am, appetizer po kasi yung calamari.
Candy: Yung bagnet nakalagay din po sa appetizers. Check your menu please.

Discrimination—akala ko sa yaya at driver ko lang mangyayari. Ginawa sa anak ko. Ngayon naman, ginawa sa akin. Nakakalungkot. I cant’ just snap back at them. I will just lose the game. In silence, there is power. God, please make this real now. Moreover, Quentin is with me. I should always try to be calm as much as possible to keep Quentin calm as well.

Finally, the food came. Quentin was so hungry and tired. I immediately asked for the bill fearing that it would also take so long to prepare it. When it reached our table, I settled it right away without going through the list. I ordered for bottled water. The bill for bottled water came but the bottled water didn’t make it to our table on time. I was billed for the three viands which they never served because they were not available.

Buti na lang nagustuhan ng anak ko yung food. Quentin is very sensitive. It is so possible that he knows I would feel better if he enjoyed his food. Buti na lang talaga gusto niya yung pagkain, dahil kung hindi, papunta na ako sa pagiging monster. Konti na lang eh… Ako ay living thing na merong hangganan and feelings. The restaurant Classic Cuisine ay classic din naman talaga dahils sa mga bloopers nila sa akin.

My yaya may not have the strong personality. Still, no one has the right to push her around and take her for granted. She’s still a client. My driver wears decent clothes but the gas station’s convenience store did not accept his one thousand peso-bill. They could have at least checked if the bill was real or fake. My son may not be the perfect child. But he’s a good boy going through a lot of difficulties in expressing himself. Let’s make it simpler. He is a kid. Nobody has the right to look at him differently, judge his attitude, and judge me as a parent. Raising a special child alone is difficult enough. It’s more difficult and painful to see other people mistreat your child, or other kids for that matter.

As a mother of a special child, who has problems with sensory integration, I was advised to let my son mingle with people. How can I help my child if this society will not give him the chance to be part of our “normal” world?

Discrimination is real and painful. Let’s make everything simpler for the three. They are all human beings. Sana mas maging mabait at maintindihin ng mga establishments, people, mallers ang mga batang katulad ng anak ko. Uso pa pala ito? Ang baduy! Sincerely, more than nagagalit at nasasaktan ako para sa anak ko, nababaduyan ako sa mga taong nagdya-judge sa kanila…sa kanya kanina sa mall.

For my yaya, I will make do something about her confidence. Affirmation is the key.

For my son, I pray that he will grow up with dignity, confidence, and abundant love for people that might treat him unfairly in the future.

Mayaman, mahirap, normal, special: Fact is lahat tayo nagbabanyo, namamaho, at mamamatay one day. Yun…yun ang totoong judging. Kamusta kaya ako sa araw na yun? Quentin is my ticket to heaven. Because of my son, I strive to be a better person. Kaya di na masama ang loob ko sa mga nag-discriminate sa yaya, driver, at anak ko. I did what I had to do. ‘Di ko na problema if they continue to discriminate. Problema nila yun.

So anong problema ko? Wala.  I Just shared my discriminating experiences.

A day before the show, nagka-heart attack ako nang nalaman ko na namatay ang daddy ng pianist namin for the show. Paano na?! He opted to stay because he needed the fee. Nakaka-attack ng heart ang kanyang situation. At ito ang realidad ng buhay.

Muntik na ako magka-heart attack sa kaba last Saturday, akala ko walang manonood. Na-heart attack ako sa dami ng tao. Muntik na akong isugod sa ICU when I found out that my family, relatives, community members, and friends came to support the show. It was overwhelming to know that people were there to show their support and love for you. Ang daming tao sa Eastwood. Parang hindi nauubos. Habang lumalalim ang gabi, lalong dumadami ang tao. Mostly, people came in pairs.

I went to church today. Nung peace be with you moment na, “Huli ka!” sabi ng radar ko. Daming mga mag-syota at mag-asawang nagsisimba ng magkasama. What a sight to behold! Gusto ko sana pa-affect kaso I was pre-occuppied kaya okay lang ako.

Nag-jogging ako kaninang hapon, nakita ko na naman yung mag-asawang matanda na naglalakad na magka-holding hands. Sapul! Yun na! Heart attack na ang effect sa akin! Aray! (sighs)

Two weeks before Valentine’s Day, and everything I see around me simply reminds me of the day. Nakaka-pressure! Culture and peer pressure. I remember answering a guy two days before February 14 when I was in high school, just to make sure I would have a date at the V-day gimmick. Then two days after the V-day, I broke up with him. My reasons were so lame that I couldn’t even remember now how I pulled it through.

Don’t get the impression that I’m depressed and whining. The simple fact is, I’m human and I have feelings. Wala masyadong malalim na pinanggagalingan ito.

People come to me and ask how come I don’t have a boyfriend? Have I closed my doors to that idea? Honestly, it’s not really in my priority list, but then again, if God sends me someone, thank you.

People, in general, have these notions about people in the industry when it comes to love and relationship.

1. Men are swooning and they’re everywhere. It’s easy to get a good catch.

2. Pasahan naman ng BF ang mga artista.

3. Relationships don’t last in this business.

To defy these beliefs:

1. Yes it’s true that men are everywhere, but it doesn’t mean na type mo yung nasa paligid mo. As far as I can remember, parang mas madami pa yata akong suitors when I wasn’t an artista yet. Since I became an artist, my social life suffered due to my working hours. Meaning, wala akong nakikilalang mga tao na merong enough courage to ask me out. Siguro, malakas din ang personality ko. Kasalanan ko na naman ba yun?

2. The irregular workin hours don’t give us the oppurtunity to meet people other than the ones we work with. That’s a major reason why people fall in love with each other. That rings true for people working at the offices.

3. Relationships do last and can last. Like normal couples, showbiz couples fight. It just so happen that we are in the limelight. The lovers quarrel then becomes a national issue. Yung mga pa-cute na away, dahil lumaki na, pinanindigan na lang.

Ngayon, sa tingin niyo ba masisi niyo na naman yung mga taong nagiging mag-syota dahil nagkatrabaho? Nope. Companionship and proximity play a very big part in a relationship. Iba…nakaka-heart attack ang realities na ito.

My sister and I had a Koreanovela marathon. We finished watching Coffee Prince, nakakakilig! Gusto ko na naman ma-in love. Lahat na naman ng tsinito and alike, merong ibang charm sa akin.

I also just finished watching Brothers and Sisters. The series is about family and the lives and love that brings them together and apart. Ouch! After finishing these two series, I am in love with love and finding, waiting for the right one to come. Love is worth watching as it unfolds before our very own eyes. Ibang heart attack ang ibinigay sa akin ng dalawang series na ito. Talagang bulls eye ang attack sa weakness ng heart ko as a person. (sighs)

Muntik ng magka-heart attack ang nanay ko sa akin dati, dahil parang nagpapa-cute na ako sa mga tambay sa kalye namin. Iyan naman ang effect sa akin ng movie na Maging Sino Ka Man, with the Megastar Sharon Cuneta and Robin Padilla. Pag-uwi ko, ang feeling ko, ang guguwapo ng mga tambay sa amin.

Same thing with Batang Quiapo, na sina Maricel Soriano and FPJ ang lead. After watching the movie, I wanted to transfer to Quiapo area.

What’s my point?

Love is infectious and contagious.

Ngayon na wala naman akong Valentino, nagiging sensitive ako lately. Ka-level ito ng emotions ko just before I celebrate my birthday. Kahit saan ako pumunta, merong nakasabit na heart. On the radio, they play love songs repeatedly. Tapos naka-hang all over the area’ang mga puso, puso, puso! Bakit kailangan puso? Bakit hindi na lang pusod or bilbil? Kahit nga bilbil mo na ang isabit, ma-trim down lang ng konti yung heart attack all over the archipelago.

‘Di naman ako really bothered sa situation ko until all these things came up. Until I noticed that other people have something that I don’t…It simply makes me wonder when, how, where, and who will be my next Valentino.

For now, let me share the love with my son, family and friends.

Or maybe, I have been spending so much time not loving myself and losing that gift of dignity. Maybe, God wants me to love myself, to appreciate my humanness and the whole package. The hardest lesson I learned about love is that “you cannot give what you don’t have.” Ouch! (Mas malalim na sigh)

To everyone, Happy Valentine’s Day. Love yourself so that your partner will know how to love you. Be loving and lovely.

To the singles, worry not. Yearly naman merong Valentine’s Day kaya for sure makakapag-celebrate din tayo with someone one of these days. someone worth it…

TO ALL THE SINGLE WOMEN: Drink, Be Merry and stay gorgeously single as we await for the man of our dreams… our very own Coffee Prince.

‘Di ko akalain…

Noong Bata ako halos mangisay ako sa kakaiyak para lang payagan akong lumabas at maglaro. Ngayon naman na kailangan kong lumabas at gumawa ng errands, nag-iipon ako ng sapat na lakas. Gusto ko, isang bagsakan na lang. ‘Di ko akalain na darating sa buhay ko na maging homebuddy ako as a person.

Kaya naman pala…
Pinipilit ako ng parents ko na matulog noong bata ako. Afternoon naps and sleeping early had always been a fight and a struggle between me and my mom. Kaya naman pala, kasi ngayon sa edad kong ito, matulog ako ng tanghali, maaga, o matagal—may posibilidad na i-judge akong tamad. O, ako na mismo ang nakokonsensya dahil alam ko na madami akong kailangang gawin.

Kasalanan daw…
As in major kasalanan nung bata ako ‘pag di ako kumain o hindi ko inubos ang pagkain ko. Halos mag-jumping jacks sa tuwa ang yaya ko ‘pag madami akong kinain. Ngayon, kasalanan, as in major na kasalanan, sa edad kong ito ‘pag kain ako ng kain at uubusin ko ang lahat ng pagkain. Halos mag-jumping jack sa tuwa ang mga tao sa paligid ko ‘pag nakikita nila na konti ang aking kinakain.

Gano’n ba talaga?
“Pawis ka na naman?” “Ang kulit mong bata ka!”

Crystal clear, bawal ang lapot at pawisan. Ang bilis ko pawisan at ang dami kong enerhiya para pawisan. Nagagalit ang matatanda. Ngayon naman, halos ipagtulakan ako ng mga tao sa paligid kong magpapawis. “Tumataba ka na naman!” “Kailangan mong magpapawis?” “Mag-exercise ka at meron kang pictorial!” say ni Ate Gina and Ate Angeli, my managers. Kailangan ko magpapawis. Kailangan ko magpapayat. Kailangan ba talaga? Gano’n ba talaga!

Kakayanin ba?
Kaya heto ako at nag-jogging. Sumama si Uge sa akin. Sumubok din kaming dalawa na mag-boxing. Halos nag-double vision na kami sa pagod. Nagdyi-gym din ako kung saan mga snobbish ang tao, pero mabait naman ang trainer ko.

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito? Nagtimbang ako. ‘Di naman gumalaw yung timbang ko. Lumuwa lang dila ko.

Kakayanin ko ba? Lapot na lapot pa ang itsura namin. Kakayanin ba?                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Pwede naman pala…
Last year, nag-pictorial ako on my own. Trying a new photographer para lang naman, maiba din ang itsura ko, aura ko, dating ko. Nagulat ako sa outcome. P’wede naman pala. Hindi nga lang in-approve ni Ate Angeli Pangilinan ang pictorial na ito. Hindi daw bagay sa image ko. Ang sagot ko naman, “Hindi naman yun ang point ng pictorial, ang gusto ko nga ibang mukha at aura from the past pictorials.”

(Photographer: Rxandy +63916 5008459/ Hairdresser: Celeste Tuviera)

Weird naman…
Ang reality ng buhay…Noong mga panahon na pumayat ako ng ganito. Hindi ako masyado kumakain. Hanggang isang araw, naisip ko lang bigla. Trabaho ako ng trabaho pero ‘di ko naman makain ang gusto ko. Kaya kumain ako. Nang tumaba ako, kumonti ang trabaho ko at baka mawalan na ako ng makakain.

Kaya naman pala…
Kumain ako. Natuwa ako. Napagod ako. Nagpahinga ako. Kaya ngayon, gumagapang ako sa hirap ng pagpapayat.

Ang tawag daw diyan ay “cycle of life.” At gano’n, gano’n talaga yun…

Oo nga pala…
Meron akong show sa Eastwood this Saturday, January 26, at 8:00 pm with Leo Martinez. Watch kayo! Suporta naman. Bakit? Ganun…ganun talaga yun!

I spent like an hour before I finally settled to write this blog. I had so many things to do, and I didn’t know when and how to begin.

Is that what you call stalling?

Just like now, I’m supposed to write a script, so I open my PC with the intention to write one. But then, I have been seating in front of the computer for hours— surfing the net, checking my mails, uploading new pictures and answering the comments in my multiply account. To those who have been asking, here’s the URL: www.candiva.multiply.com.

Now, I’m writing this blog. I am stalling though. Please naman, huwag kayong mag-deny na nag-stall din kayo as a person. For stalling and doing things other than what you are really supposed to do, nasayang ba ang oras ko? Sayang ba ang oras?

(A deep breath, looks around, stops, grabs the newest edition of Preview magazine, browses through the magazine, then goes back to typing.)

Answer: Nope. I personally believe na hindi naman nasayang ang oras ko sa mga bagay na ginawa ko.

Nalaman ko na may bagong virus na kumakalat sa net. It’s an email entitled “Life is beautiful,” once you open it, your PC will be corrupted and all memory will be erased. I found out the gold in eating a banana everyday. I learned something from each task I did, but I was not able to prioritize which task needs to be done immediately.

Ang sayang sa oras, yung pagagalitan ko yung yaya ng anak ko because nakalimutan na naman niya ang bilin ko na kailangang gluten-free and casein-free ang cookies ni Quentin. Magagalit pa ba ako na parang production number? Hindi na. Sayang sa oras.

Sayang sa oras yung pag-usapan ang mga bagay na hindi naman ako concerned at all. Earlier today, I told a business partner how our colleagues think of her. She’s difficult to deal with, and I told her that because she’s affecting my work. She started defending herself and I said to myself, “Excuse me. Honestly, I’m not interested in the details because I cannot relay that message to every person who already has that perception of her”. Siguro, dapat hindi ko na rin sinabi sa kanya kasi sayang ang oras.

‘Pag ang tao, ayaw makinig at gusto mo lang naman tumulong, ‘wag na. Sayang ang oras.

Meron akong crush na nag-e-effort akong papansin. Pero teka, bakit ako? Babae nga pala ako. Kahit naman ganito ako, naniniwala pa rin ako na ang babae ang sinusuyo. Kaya kung ayaw, tama na. Sayang ang oras.

My mom requested me to do something I didn’t want to do, I obeyed although I grumbled. Sabi nga, “there is so much grace given by honoring your parents.” I just did it, and I realized that grumbling will bring me nowhere. Sayang ang oras.

I had a late-night dinner with Eugene Domingo and Cherry Pie Picache. We were just laughing. Wala kaming pinag-usapang ibang tao. Hindi sayang ang oras doon.

I was with another group the other night. The minute I approached the table, I felt unwelcome. I sensed their eyes were talking. Gosh! Pag-aabalahan ko pa ba ng panahon kung gusto nila ako pag-usapan. At that very point, gusto kong sabihin na, “Alam niyo ba magaling ako magbasa ng tinginan at buntong hingahan school of acting communication arts skills? Kasi iyan ang isa sa qualification sa trabaho ko, to observe”. Sarap sabihin. Kaso hahaba pa ang usapan. Hindi naman aamin. I opted to keep quiet and excuse myself to leave. Sayang ang oras.

‘Pag ang call time ay 7:00 a.m. ‘tapos ang mga kasamahan mo 9:00 a.m. dumadating, tagal pang magbihis at mag-ayos ng buhok, so, another hour for that…sayang ang oras!

‘Pag dwelling on the past, puro ngitngit and galit…sayang ang oras.

Mentioning about my experience about this other group of mine, brought back a little ‘inis’ in my heart… sayang ang oras. Sayang ang writing space.

Lingering too much time at a friend’s house, even when you are no longer needed and doing anything, they say, “don’t let your host be happy twice—first, because you came, and second, because you are finally leaving. Sayang ang oras.

Getting into fights, sayang ang oras.

Getting really pikon with the traffic and pikon with the bus drivers here in Manila, that’s big-time na sayang ang oras.

Fears are stumbling blocks. I have a friend who fears flying in small planes. Imagine going to Boracay, where we have to fly to this town first, then take two and half hours nakakahilo bus ride to reach port area, then a 15-minute ferry ride to Boracay. That’s like six hours wasted time with the checking out, waiting, and blah-blah. Sayang ang oras.

Fear of being laughed at. A friend loves dancing but she never really tried to hone it. Now, she’s 40 plus. I told her to go for it. But if she started when she was younger, baka ngayon, star dancer na siya. Sayang ang oras.

Trying to make people understand your state, yung trip mo…sayang ang oras.

Getting mad, keeping anger…sayang ang oras.

Remembering the “bad things you did to me,” sayang ang oras.

Indulging in cheap talks, a.k.a. as “chismis,” sayang ang Oras.

Waiting for someone na hindi naman nagpapahintay, sayang ang oras.

Analyzing everything too much, sayang ang oras.

Trying to live a life where you have to prove others that you are good, outdoing every person that comes your way, looking at life na parang contest—they’re stressful! Sayang ang oras.

Getting stuck to your miseries in life and your kawawa-naman-ako attitude could take so much energy, to think that doing so would never solve a problem. Sayang ang oras.

Living according to the world’s standard. Contest everyday ang tingin sa life. Forgetting everyone will die. ‘Pag namantay ka, ‘di naman madadala lahat ng yaman kaya sayang ang Oras.

2008 na kapatid! Go for gold! Don’t waste your time.

Gagawa pa nga pala ako ng script. ‘Pag pinahaba ko pa itong blog entry na ito, sayang na ang oras niyo sa pagbabasa kasi point taken na naman. Hindi nga ba?

Baduy na ba gumawa ng New Year’s resolution? Baduy na siguro because I don’t get to do it naman most of the time. Eh, kung ipaghalo ko yung New Year’s Resolution ko saka mga wishes ko, at isama ko pa mga prayer intentions ko for 2008, medyo hindi na baduy kasi parang nag-iiba na ang arrive ng mga bagay-bagay.

‘Di ko naman talaga plano gumawa ng New Year’s Resolution until something happened to me last December 31, 2007.

I was invited to do a show for an intimate group of 50 people, composed of family and friends, in a posh village. Meaning, upper class naman talaga itong pupuntahan ko. The dinner was catered by Mandarin Hotel. The ambiance was very quiet and people were very prim, polite, and nice. The beautiful and elegant lady who invited me was very sweet and warm indeed. Until sumalang ako…I was told to speak in English because most of the guests couldn’t understand Filipino. So I did.

Nagpatawa ako (in English), merong tumatawa…konti…mahina.

Change topic. Next set of jokes (in English na naman). Quiet giggles. I looked around the place and I could see all their faces blankly staring at me. Or was it just me?

Next joke. Giggles. That’s it?!

Nagpa-panic na ako! Nag-sketch ako na sure shot and I just got giggles in return. That’s it.

I became honest and told them that I was already having a hard time making them laugh. That’s it! Tagaktak na ang pawis ko! Pati kili-kili ko, pawis na ng todo! I greeted them a Happy New Year, then made a gracious exit.

My personal assistant told me that they were laughing. Mahina nga lang. Maybe that’s how they really are. Controlled ang facial reactions. I had a hard time. I therefore came up with a set of resolutions that day:

1. I shall be more prepared, do more research, practice more, and write new materials for different kinds of audiences. (Ano ba ang nakakatawa sa mga sobrang yaman?)

We had a party last January 1 at director Wenn Deramas’s house. Late ako. Nakakahiya. Hindi tuloy ako makaalis ng maaga. Therefore, from that day on:

2. I will try my best to be always prompt whether I’m attending parties or meeting up with friends. It’s also a sign that I have respect for their time.

Lahat ng tao ngayon, ganito ang sinasabi, “Ang taba mo candy, anong nangyari?” Sa isip ko naman, “Nangyari? Kailan ba merong mangyari kapag tumaba? Hindi ba pwedeng nag-enjoy lang ako this season at kumain ako?” Therefore:

3. I will lose weight by running and going back to the gym.

4. I will be more careful with the words that come out from my mouth. Kahit chika lang kasi minsan, it might already be hurting a person’s feelings.

5. I want to have a solo show at a bigger venue (other than Music Museum).

6. I will put up a business this year.

7. I will enroll in dance classes, voice and drums lessons again.

8. I will receive ____________________ in a check.

Dyahe naman to put the amount. Pero I honestly signed a check, wrote the figures, and then posted it on my notebook. The check symbolizes that I shall be receiving this amount.

9. I will be more kind and gentle with the way I treat people. I’m too straightforward.

10. I will not open my mouth or utter a word that will not be of help to me or others.

11. I will be more firm with my business decisions and partners.

12. I have goals and I will reach them.

13. I pray that God will grant me the grace to be able to fulfill the tasks He has given me as a mother, father, provider, daughter, sister, entertainer, leader, and employer.

14. I pray that we will see the goodness in every person.

15. I pray that there will be more projects so I can provide for my family and help others.

16. I pray that I can make a difference in the lives of children, especially those who are like my son. May the society learn the meaning of acceptance.

17. I pray that …

Ang dami naman pala. Akala ko noong una wala akong masusulat kung ano ang gusto ko for 2008. I realized, sa totoo lang, ang dami! Ngayon pa lang, I’m asking Him to consecrate my 2008. I also thanked Him for my 2007. January pa lang, ang dami ko ng naisip. I’m sure kayo rin.

They say there is power in writing things down. Thing get done somehow.
Even pictures have power. My sister posted a calendar of Europe in her room last 2000, and she did go on a European tour. Buti pa nga siya, eh.

nov_8: Gusto talaga naming apat na gumawa ng show, ‘di lang namin alam kung saan at wala naman kumukuha sa amin.

melito: Gustuhin man kita pakasalan, hindi ubra.

emily1: Salamat sa bonggang-bongga mong affirmation.

abscbnforlife: Hopefully. Pero kung saan ang offer, dun ako.

nov_8: Wala akong magagawa sa desisyon ng management. I’m sure they have a good reason for doing such. I’m sure din na nakadami na sila ng paracetamol being in such a very influential position.

yvetski: Parang ang luma na ng love story namin ng asawa ko para pag-usapan.
electrons01: Sila direk Wenn, Uge, direk Andoy, Chocoleit, Sweet, Harlene, Claude. And yes, mabait si Claudine. Meron akong Valentines show sa museum. Next project ko sa TV, di ko pa alam.

PAMbihira: ‘Di po ako nagse-set sa comedy clubs. Special shows lang po.

Anyhow, whatever you dreams and wishes are for 2008, isama niyo na ako. The more, the merrier. The more you proclaim them, the bigger chance for you to claim them. It happens! Make your List now and post it somewhere you can see it.

Every December, there’s truly this disease caused by joy, confusion, stress, relaxation, when summed up all together, it’s called “fever.”

Every Christmas season, everyone seems to be in a rush for some reason. Every year, we all realize the need to plan ahead, but still we don’t. Why? I don’t know. Hindi yata masarap mag-shopping ng November? They say any given situation can be looked at in two different ways. Most people call it as the other side of the coin. Ah…eh…susubukan ko ring mag-pout while driving.

Nakakalagnat ang traffic sa EDSA! The highway transformed into a parking lot of sort. Kaya kung anu-ano na tuloy ang binebenta doon. As a matter of fact, one can actually get some gifts there. There are CD cases, fisherman’s pole, stuff toys, car chargers, Ipod cases, Ipod charger, and fruits sold along the stretch of EDSA. Amazing! The traffic has given some people a means of livelihood. As a matter of fact, If I want a captured audience, bakit di ako sa EDSA mag-show? Taray!

Nakakalagnat ang dami ng Christmas party! Hindi ko naman kaya puntahan lahat. Pero nakakatawa ang PEP people because ang Christmas party nila ay afternoon delight. Thinking many can make it, I still wasn’t able to go because I was taping for Princess Sarah. Mas Nakakalagnat yung nagtatampo at hindi ka nakapunta. Hello?! Kung ginawa mo iyan ng March or October, I’m sure mas maraming makakapunta. On the other hand, it felt good that people had invited me to join their parties. It’s a sort of affirmation for me.
Iba pa yung mga Christmas parties na I go to for a show or to host. Wala akong masasabing negative about it because all of it are blessings. Nakakapagod, pero hindi naman ako nagrereklamo.

Christmas party of Primegold in Hong Kong. I was with Eugene Domingo and Eric Quizon.

Sa Ayala Cebu naman ito. O, di ba, merong out of the country at saka out-of-town!

Dami niyan! Nakakalagnat yung mga effort ng lahat ng pinuntahan kong Christmas affairs na merong mga department presentation. Aliw! I can see that they are truly having so much fun. Kahit parang buwis buhay na yung mga ginagawa nila, nakakatuwa pa rin silang panoorin.

Nakakalagnat yung ang daming humihingi ng donation, Christmas gifts, pa-raffle. Times are hard and I truly understand why people come and ask. Pero kung lahat naman sila sabay-sabay kung humingi, sandali lang po, dahan-dahan lang. Some naman talagang legit people na pwede naman talagang bigyan. Pero, for example, yung security guard na dinaanan ko sa isang hospital ay abutan ako ng envelope…once pa lang ako nakakapunta sa hospital na yun…bakit? Yung mamang binilhan ko ng dirty ice cream once sa labas ng simbahan, yung mga tanod na di ko naman nakikita, yung…oh my, the list can go on.
On the other hand, nakakatuwa naman kasi ang yaman naman ng tingin nila sa akin. Ako artista…what more the politicians? Kaya!

2006 PASKO IPADAMA. Todo-bigay talaga everyone!

Nakakalagnat yung ang dami ko pang ‘di nabibilhan ng regalo. Nakakalagnat din yung nandyan na yung items, hindi ko pa lang nababalot. Nakakalagnat na ang dami-dami nila. As in! Ipagsasama ko na yung mga bukal sa kalooban ko bigyan, kailangan ko bigyan at napipilitan ako bigyan. Kaya siguro ako nilalagnat because of the last two categories. Giving is suppose to be self-enhancing if the soul is willing.

On the other hand, ‘pag di naman ako nagpa-panic, because the gifts I am supposed to give… kulang. Kahit walis pa man ang ipamigay ko. Truly, there is joy in giving. Totoo naman pala yung, “It’s really the thought that counts.” In fairness!

Nakakalagnat na sabay-sabay ang mga tao gusto ako makasama ngayong Paskong ito. There’s something in the air that makes one person tend to be sad. According to statistics, a lot of suicidal cases happens during December. As I said in my previous entry, nakaka-look at the mirror ang season na ito. It’s family time. Spending time with family. At kung may problema ka sa pamilya mo, ayun, nalulungkot or nabwibw*sit! Realizing where all these people are coming from…I spend time with them rather than go to parties, kasi feeling ka na-fulfill ko yung task ko as being a happy, light, no-traffic-friend-to-be-with. Gosh!

Pero yung birthday ni Aiko, I would love to be there kaso nasa Hong Kong ako nun, eh…Kaya nag-decide na lang kaming apat na magkakaibigan to see each other separately to celebrate Akikays’ birthday.

Nakakalagnat na ang daming tinatapos, natatapos at sisimulan. Lahat naman ito ay nangyayari ngayong December. Nakakalagnat ang pagtatapos ng Princess Sarah. Nakakalagnat kasi ang finale namin ay sa ilalim ng init ng araw na todo-sayaw kaming lahat. Tinalo namin ang Regal sa beach production numbers. Kasi nga naman ang iinit ng costumes namin na feeling nasa England kami. In reality nasa Intramuros lang po.

Of course, hindi natin matatawaran ang galing ni Albert Martinez sa production numbers. Nakakalagnat, nakakagulat, nakakalungkot at kakakatuwa ang feeling ko sa biglaan na pagtatapos nito. Nalungkot ako kasi nakita ko ang mga batang nag-iyakan. Kaya naman nagmadali din akong umalis at baka mahawa ako. Iyakin pa naman ako. Nakakatuwa sa isang banda kasi these kids see reality that showbusiness is not permanent. They should focus on studying. Hindi naman ganoon kadaling mag-artista. At lalong hindi ganoong kadali tumagal sa industriya na ito. I really hope that the kids of Princess Sarah see the other side of the coin. Kaya heto na naman ako, nakanganga sa susunod na ibibigay na project. Well, I’m excited about the next things that will transpire in my life.

(Top picture, left) In broad daylight, ganyan ang gayak namin. At take note…sa Intramuros, hindi sa Inglatera.

(Top picture, right) Primo, Amelia, and Picolino.

(Bottom) Kids goofing around with Diether Ocampo and Albert Martinez.

I will surely miss the kids. Nakakabata pala kasama ang mga bata. Kaya naman pala yung iba, ang syota mas bata sa kanila. Hehehehe.

Nakakalagnat ang mga events every December, speaking on personal, social, and proffessional levels. Iyan naman ay sa aking opinion.

Pero heto ang ultimate na nakakalagnat: I stressed myself to impressed the human beings around me, forgetting the Entity and Reason of the season. CHRISTmas… I’m not shoveling the truth down your throats.

Personally, what’s my Christmas/Birthday gift to Jesus? Kasi the whole year kahit hindi ko birthday, nireregaluhan Niya ako. Parang binibertday parati ako. Maybe in giving, I like to believe I am sharing my joy and love. (Naks!) I’m sure ako na naman ang reregaluhan Niya kahit Siya ang may birthday. Hahahaha! Eh, kung Siya naman kaya ang lagnatin dahil ang dami kong opinyon?!

As the lyrics of a rap Christmas carol says: “It’s called Christmas with a capital C. It’s about the birth of Christ and you can’t take that away/ You can call it something else, but that’s not what it will be/ It’s called Christmas with a capital C.”

Merry Christmas earth and may you all feel the warmth of the season. Lagnatin kayo lahat sa pagmamahal at pagpapatawad ng bonggang-bongga! Iyan ang mataray na fever!

abscbnforlife: Yes, mabait si Charlene.

candysour: Kaibigan ko pa rin po ang TVJ. No reason naman po para mag-away. Kasama nga po ako sa Enteng Kabisote, MMFF entry showing on Dec .

candid-ah, xarina24, florence, gndnld: Salamat.

Lonely_girl: Ang bigat naman ng question mo. I did not give up on my marriage. My husband left me. Ikaw lang ang makakaalam kung ano ang tamang desisyon, giving up is not the right term. Staying in the marriage with sacrifice in it is always part of the package. Whatever gives you peace of mind. It’s a case to case basis. No relationship is the same. For now, treat it as “wala lang,” baka siya pa nga ang magtaka kasi ‘di ka affected.

electrons: Gandang idea din iyang mag-meet tayong lahat. Baka naman 2 lang tayong magkita. Hahahaha!

gossiphungry: Dito lang po ako sa manila Christmas and New Year. Usually the baklas and some friends come to the house to have Christmas dinner.

nov_8: Yes, close friends ko po talaga si Gelli and Mina.

kitty: Nakakatuwa naman at na-appreciate mo yung gifts na napili ko. Salamat po.

pep_you: First cousins po kami ni Sen. Kiko. Magkapatid ang mga tatay namin.

lear1977: Yes, mabait po si FPJ ng sobra.

hetchos: Sobra talaga akong na-iinspire magsulat dahil sa mga comments niyo. Kaya nga nakokonsensya ako ‘pag ‘di ako nakaka-submit.

At sa lahat po ng bumati, nag-congratulate, natuwa ng bonggang-bongga: isang bonggang-bonggang thank you din po sa inyong lahat. Salamat talaga. Nakakataba ng puso.

PS

Heto ang aking mga answers sa Hall of Just tiis post:

Pnayilonga: Hindi po siya bigay child support, kahit nga moral support deadma, kaya hayaan na po natin.

cel: Yes, cel, I read every comment.

chuchay: Kaibigan ko nga po Harlene Bautista, and married pa rin po sila ni Romnick Sarmienta.

mel: Madami naman pagbabago sa ‘Pinas. Daming malls at saka ang daming bagong street children. Okay naman ang lumang building. Ang sistema ang di okay.

Madayag2007: I will get a copy of the book. Thanks.

copymilyuck: ‘Di ko po naman talaga sinasadya yun. ‘Sensya na po.

Swaymyway: Hopefully, isama po ako ni Ms. Sharon sa vancouver next year.

The University Theater was jam-packed with people of all ages last Monday night for “Comico Ciento,” a night of fun and laughter in celebration of University of the Philippines’ 100 years. UP alumni, who were mostly from College of Mass Communication, Music, and Theater Arts (that’s three separate colleges), were invited to perform.

Confession. The previous week had been so hectic for me, one of the reasons why I wasn’t able to submit an entry for PEP.

I am now in a hurry to finish this entry because I have an early call time for the last taping day of Princess Sarah (ibang entry na ‘yang topic na iyan).

The real confession I was juggling my schedule from taping (which would last till wee hours of the morning because the kids had to leave early; and I usually am the last punggol), corporate shows (which would require me to write the scripts for my stand up acts), out of town shows, caroling with the music ministry of our community (join ako dito kasi service yun saka saya, saka trip ko, bakit ba?!), and to top it all, I am a mother to a son who has a lot of Christmas parties (sa dami ba naman ng therapy schools niya), and a friend to people who deserve to be given gifts of appreciation.

Let me just give you an account of the last three days before the “Ciento Comico” show.

Friday, December 13: Taping then show at Captains Bar, then back to taping again.

Saturday: I went to Bacolod and flew back in evening.

Sunday: I went to Hong Kong with Uge (Eugene Domingo) for a corporate show (Primegold) and went home next day.

Monday noon: Ooopps! Meron nga palang show sa UP. Wala pa akong script. Kinakabahan ako. Nakakaloka! Magsakit-sakit kaya ako?

Para akong student na nag-cramming ng bonggang-bongga! I wrote the script while I was on board the plane. I only finished everything at the last minute. It was like a déjà vu experience for me. Heto na naman ako sa UP. Nagka-cramming na naman ako. ‘Di na ako nag-aaral, may anak na ako at lahat, pagbalik ko sa UP, cramming pa rin ako. Parang ang tanda ko na yata para sa ganitong klaseng tensyon.

Inside the plane, Uge was asleep while I was nagkakandaduling-duling na sa antok. I was really fighting it. Na-weirduhan na siguro sa akin ang mga tao kasi nag-stretching ako near the lavatory, with almost every passenger in the plane getting the full view.

One Swiss guy in suit asked me if I was okay. In my head, “If I tell you the truth, hahaba pa ito, kaya I opted to say ‘yes, I’m perfectly okay.’” Sayang, cute pa naman. Pero ‘pag ang choices pala ay between sa isang lalaking cute na pwede akong magka-nose bleed or kahihiyan ko at magmukha akong tanga, dun ako sa kahihiyan.

Just like in college, I would pray to God to please help me…please! Yes, I admit tinatamad ako minsan. There were times when I could have written the script instead of sleeping beside my son.

Eh, nakokonsensya din naman ako sa anak ko. One of the realities of a single mother is having to always explain to your child while you can’t be beside him all the time. There were times when I could have written the script, but just when I was about to start, I’d feel thirsty. So, I would go out of the office to get water, then I would see my mom and have a chat with her. Then my sister would suddenly arrive, and I would realize I forgot all about my script. I even forgot that the reason why I stepped out of the office was because I was thirsty. So help me god!

Anyway, back to my story, lahat na yata ng santo at santa sa langit natawag ko na for help. I was really in panic. I stopped writing for a while because all the ideas were just rumbling inside my mind, kasabay ang loud thumping of my heart, na may kasama ringng fear and anger sa sarili ko for being negligent! Grrr! Nawawala na yata ang thought flow ko (parang ngayon, sana hindi naman).

I paused…took a deep breath…closed my eyes for a while…cleared my thoughts…drank a glass of water…stared at the Christmas tree inside my office, prayed, prayed, then composed and prepared myself to start writing again. I finished the final draft of my whole monologue at exactly 6:00 p.m. I decided to interject my patay series in my stewardess monologue.

Ah, college…Going back to where you came from has always given me this pinch in the soul. It makes me go back as well to “who-I-really-am-and-what-I-really-want-to-be” mode. Baduy ba? But it’s true. Didn’t you notice that every time you go back to your hometown, or see friends from way back, you switch into your old self? That goes for me as well.

That night I saw the glow on the faces of the people—the performers, staff, and audience. Kaya pala homecoming ang tawag. Kasi it’s really “coming home” in a different way. The smell, the atmosphere, the culture, the system, the trees, the kiosks, the fish ball stands, the tambays, the garbage, the lubak-lubak na kalye…Gosh! Konti na lang baka maiyak ako.

Coming to my senses, parang nabuhayan ako ng loob. I remembered yung ideals ko when I was in college. The passion for excellence and performance was on fire. I was young and vibrant. Yet I wasn’t confident with myself. Mas malaki pa sa akin yung kabang nararamdaman ko then. Parang naglalaban ang emotions and internal organs ko. I remembered the feeling of being a student again. This time my audience was my teacher. Whew! Ilan ba ang capacity ng University Theater? 3,000? 5,000? Daming teachers ang mag-grade sa akin. Ayan na, ayan na, kinakabahan talaga ako!

There was Roderick Paulate in one corner doing his own make-up. He told me, “na-miss ko ito.” There was Tessie Tomas whose presence ay nakadagdag ng kaba ko. Nandun din si Kidlat! Ang husay ng mamang yun. Iba rin naman talaga si Willie Nepomuceno sa entablado. Haligi na siya sa impersonation. Nandun din si Ate Glow! Nandun din si RS Francisco! Ang UP PEP Squad at UP Street Dance na napakahusay. Buwis-buhay naman talaga ang ginawa nila.

Sa backstage: walang maarte, walang sumisigaw, walang prima donna, walang complications. Simple. Ako lang ba ang kinakabahan dito? Anak ng tokwa! Parang steady lang sila.

Ang role ko nga pala ay taga-maintenance at SSB (special services brigade), in other words, tanod.

Ako na! Nag-uniform na ako ng maintenance. Sumalang na ako. Bumukas na ang ilaw. Heto na ako sa thesis presentation ko. Nag-cramming ako. Totoo yun. Pero nag-homecoming din ako sa sarili ko. Kaya heto na ako sa harapan ng mga taong ang bayad sa ikot dyip ay mula singko sentimos hanggang sa kasalukuyan na six pesos and 50 centavos.

I went back to school, and I also went back to the basic rule of performing: enjoy, simply enjoy, perform with sincerity. Taray ‘di ba.

Dami ko pang gustong sabihin, heto na naman at naglalaban ang antok at ang pagtatapos nito ng maganda at maayos (yawn).

Para sa mga sagot sa mga tanong at comments niyo, sa next entry ko na po sasagutin (yawn).

Back to school. Back to basics. Back to myself. Back to Back. (Yawn!) Back to Bed.