"...ang pumapasok sa isip ko is they are better off without me. Because I made a lot of mistakes and I think I'm not an ideal mom, which my children would always deny. They always say that 'you're such a cool and good mom.' But during the moments of depression, because I am certified clinically depressed, that's how I think about it, you know? But I do think of them, I always do," says Lyka Ugarte when asked if she thinks about her children every time she tries to kill herself.
Actress Lyka Ugarte attempts suicide for the fourth time
Monday, October 19, 2009
03:38 PM
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"Of course, sad," naiiyak na sagot ni Lyka. "You know, she's too young to be handling this. Unfortunately, I'm a single mom. I wish that during this moments, I could at least send them to their fathers first para huwag nilang makita ang nangyayari. Pero wala, e, ako lang talaga. Siya lang talaga yung nakaka-witness ng lahat ng sakit na dumarating.
"And we call each other kasi 'Spongebob'. When I have my problems, she's my sponge. And when she has problems also, I'm her sponge naman. I have a very, very good relationship with Kimberly. She's tame and ako naman, I'm a typical Leo. We compliment each other, she's a very good listener. And she just says, 'Mom, it's gonna be okay. I've seen you bounce back. You're just having a hard time right now.'"
Tanong ni Raymond, yung problem niya with her mom and her other relationships, sa tingin ba niya ay reason na yun para magtangka siyang magpakamatay?
"Okay... Actually, all my life, I've been fighting. Since I was 15 years old, I've been taking care of the family already. At the age of 20, I was a single mom. So, from 15 years old up to the age of 40, it's all fight, fight, fight, fight... Para akong lalake, di ba, if you agree. Most men would compartmentalize, di ba? And that's what I've been doing, compartmentalizing.
"And then something happened nung 2007. I had a relationship with somebody for four years whom I thought was gonna be a relationship that will last until I was old and then, I found out na dalawa kami. Actually, that's where it started and I have not recovered from that. And then, nadadagdagan siya nang nadadagdagan. Ngayon, wala na akong trabaho. Tinanggal ako sa trabaho nang very unjustly. I was terminated without any good reason last October.
"And then Christmas came, I did not have any money at all. So, talagang medyo malungkot yung Pasko namin, which never happened. Then, No. 3, I broke up with another relationship that affected me a lot also. Kasi, parang ang feeling ko, why of all the times now when I was really down that you decided to leave me."
Parang nagpatong-patong?
"Yes," sagot ni Lyka. "Because of my depression, I can be destructive sometimes. There was an incident that I was really destructive and then I lost two of my best friends, and I tried to ask forgiveness and they never gave it.
"And the most recent bad thing that really made me very, very depressed, yun ang naging ano talaga... I was sexually harassed by a Pagcor [Phil. Amusement and Gaming Corp.] employee. But, in fairness naman to Mr. [Efraim] Genuino, because I sent a complaint letter, they're handling the investigation in an expedient manner. The communication is very open and they are taking care of it. I'm happy, you know, that the Pagcor management is very good.
"I have nothing against Pagcor," patuloy ni Lyka. "Kung ano yung ginawa ng empleyado has nothing to do with Pagcor. It's just that he happens to work there, so I had to go through their management of what he did. With Pagcor, I don't have any problems at all."
Sa lahat ng nangyari sa kanya, ina-assure ba ni Lyka ang mga anak niya na she'll never do this again?
"Okay, kasi when we talk about four times, the first two were not... it did not have big impact, 'no? So, the first two is not considered. It was really the third, kasi yun yung na-ICU ako and Kimberly had to face 15 doctors and she had to hear the words, 'We're trying to do our very best to save her, she might not make it.'
"After that incident, yes, I did. But then, I did it again. So now, how can I give the assurance? I've lost their trust. So I don't wanna give any assurance anymore. I can only I will try my very best not to do it.. That's all I can say."
What have you learned and what are your plans for the future?
"What I have learned? It's very painful. When you're down, ang konti ng kaibigan mo. Kapag up ka, ang dami-dami, you know. I am very grateful to those who responded to Kimberly's texts and I was so amazed that the ones who responded were the ones I did not expect who's gonna respond. I expected those people who I was really close for a long time, but they were the ones who did not respond.
"And learning... I don't know. I mean kasi, I thought I learned something the third time, but I did it again, e. So, I'm not learning, I guess. The depression is just too much that I could say I'm not learning."
Her message to Kimberly?
"Kim, and I guess to all my children, not just Kimberly... I'm sorry. I'm sorry again. I know how bad you feel and I know that you feel you have failed me because I did it again. That's why you started seeking out help from other people because you think that you're not capable, but that's not true.
"You have been my strength all this time. I mean, all of you, four kids, you have been my strength. I love you guys very, very much. It's hard to believe that from somebody who tried to kill herself four times, it's a very selfish attitude. But please, believe me when I say that I love you with all my heart and soul," saad ni Lyka.
Advice ni Raymond na siguro raw seeking professional help will help her.
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