Alex Gonzaga was overwhelmed by the controversy so that plagued her earlier this year that she thought becoming pregnant would somehow alleviate the mental and emotional anguish caused by intense public scrutiny.
In the latest episode of Toni Talks, Alex recalled to sister Toni Gonzaga how the cake frosting-smearing incident during her birthday celebration became too much to bear, so much so that she prayed relentlessly to God to bless her with a child after years of trying.
Read: Alex Gonzaga recounts pain of recurrent miscarriage after IVF
Alex is married to Mikee Morada. The two tied the knot on November 11, 2020, at the Gonzaga residence in Taytay.
Shared Alex, "Nung time na iyon kasi naisip ko talaga na I'm so pressured na.
"Pressured na ko sa mga tao na, 'Uy, hindi pa ba manganganak iyan?' Tapos siyempre, yung nangyari sa akin this year dun sa birthday ko.
"So, parang every time na may nami-meet ako sasabihin na parang, 'Ah, mabait ka naman pala,' na parang sabi ko, 'Ba't kaya naging ganun yung connotation sa akin this year?'
"So parang naaano lang ako na, 'Sana Lord, ang sakit nung mga napagdaanan ko. Sobrang sakit sana may maganda namang balik.' Baka ito [getting pregnant] na."
Alex admitted resorting to IVF or In Vitro Fertilization, a fertility treatment where an embryo is created outside the body, which is then placed in the uterus to achieve pregnancy.
Read: 6 celebrities who used IVF to have a baby
Unfortunately, the procedure didn't pan out for Alex, and conceiving a child remains elusive for the couple to this day.
SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND
Alex looked back on how she found out that the IVF procedure had failed.
A day before the check-up, Alex recalled praying to God asking for guidance regardless of the results.
She was doing her best to put on a brave face should the news not be favorable to her and Mikee.
Read: Ika-35 kaarawan ni Alex Gonzaga, nabahiran ng isyu dahil sa pagpahid niya ng cake sa noo ng waiter
Alex remembered telling Mikee smilingly, 'Okay na ako bukas. Hindi man matuloy yung pregnancy natin, okay na ako.'
"Tapos, sabi ni Mikee sa kin, 'Iyon lang naman inaantay ko, e. Kung okay ka, okay ako.'
"Tapos, sobrang saya niya niyakap niya ako.
"Tapos, the next day, ang prayer ko na kay Lord, e, 'Lord, please, kapag hindi maganda yung news be with me. Sana samahan niyo ako, Lord. Hindi ako masasaktan, hindi ako malulungkot. Hawakan niyo ako, yung maramdaman ko na nandun kayo.'"
An ultrasound scan was done on Alex to determine if she was conceiving a baby.
Alex vividly remembered seeing Mikee taking a video with his phone hoping to capture the special moment on film.
When it became apparent that no trace of life was detected, Mikee quietly put down his phone and stopped taking videos.
Said Alex, "Siyempre ano ka na noon, 'Wala talagang makita, tingnan mo sa kaliwa, Doc.'
"Tapos, pagtingin ko sa kanya [Mikee], kita ko yung mukha niya na talagang sad siya.
"Pero nung nakita na niya yung mukha ko na, siyempre, nagwu-worry din ako, pagtingin ko sa kanya sabi, [flashing a thumbs up] ni Mikee."
MIKEE DESERVES AN AWARD
Alex commended Mikee for being supportive and understanding, never once making her feel bad about her inability to conceive a child this early in their marriage.
She said proudly about her husband, "Si Mikee parang puwede nang bigyan ng [award], napakabait kasi.
"Sabi ko, 'Mikee, sorry, hindi na naman natuloy.'
"'Ano ka ba, huwag ka mag-sorry, dami pa nating embryo, go lang.'
"Hindi siya nagpapakita sa akin ng kalungkutan."
Alex poignantly related, "Siyempre minsan nalulungkot din ako kasi sasabihin ni Mikee sa akin, 'Alam mo ang saya-saya ko kahit tayong dalawa lang.'
"Pero siyempre naiinis ako sa kanya kasi ba't niya naman sasabihin yun pero..."
Continued Alex, "Sabi niya, 'Alam mo, sa totoo lang, masaya na ako.'
"Kasi di ba ipagluluto ko siya ng pagkain, [sasabihin niya], 'Masayang-masaya na ako pag tayong dalawa lang. Sobrang bonus na lang sa akin yung baby.'
"So parang pag naiisip ko, naiiyak ako kasi parang andun na siya sa ganung level, e.
"Sabi niya, 'Masakit mag-expect kaya okay ako kung itong ibigay sa atin ni Lord, okay na ako.'"
Alex added, "Very supportive siya talaga, e. Pero hindi niya pinapakita sa akin yung emotions niya.
"Pero ang pinakanakita ko kay Mikee is talagang partner siya na hindi niya talaga ipaparamdam na kasalanan mo. Kasama mo talaga siya."