Naging madamdamin ang pagsasalita ng singer-TV host na si Billy Crawford tungkol sa breakup nila ng singer-actress na si Nikki Gil pagkatapos ng apat at kalahating taon na relasyon.
Sa unang pagkakataon ay kinumpirma ni Billy na naghiwalay na nga sila ni Nikki sa panayam sa kanya ni Boy Abunda sa The Buzz, ang weekly showbiz-oriented talk show ng ABS-CBN, na umere kahapon, July 28.
"I’M VERY LOST." Matagal bago nakapagsalita si Billy nang hilingin sa kanya ni Boy kung ano ang kaya niyang sabihin kaugnay ng malungkot na kinahinatnan ng relasyon nila ni Nikki.
"Nawawala ako," umpisa ni Billy sabay tulo ang luha sa kanyang mga mata.
"I’m very lost... very confused."
Diin niya, "Walang kinalaman si Nikki.
"It all boils down to me.
"It’s a... it’s an undescribable feeling.
"It’s like all these negativity, confusions, the sadness, the hurt... Nikki has not been anything apart from good to me.
"Everything I said there a while ago, you know, she is a dream come true when it comes to finding the right one.
"But it’s hard to find the right one kung ikaw mismo, you’re not right.
"And it’s been a while... it’s been a while...
"I don’t know who to blame.
"It’s been a while, I’m battling myself.
"Kasi lahat ng tao nakikita nila ako, masayahin, matulungin.
"I tried to do everything I can for everyone to be happy, especially the people around me—the people that I love.
"And I forgot what makes me happy.
"I forgot who I am.
"I don’t know what I’m doing... all I know what to do is to work."
Pagpapatuloy niya, "It’s been almost twenty-six years I’m in this industry. I’ve been everywhere.
"And this is the first time I’ve ever felt this way.
"That’s why I ask everyone, do not blame Nikki. She has no fault.
"I’m not a perfect guy. I’m not a perfect person.
"I’ve done some things in my life that I regret and she supported it, you know, she understood. She was there.
"But I tend to go home by myself.
"It’s so simple kasi to go around with friends and to enjoy and forget about the problems wherever you go to, especially kung may naririnig kang problema na pinagdadaanan ng mga kaibigan mo.
"Sobrang daling makalimutan yung root, kung anong problema.
"Nakalimutan ko—ako, e. I’m the one.
"I’m the one who’s completely lost, and I’m searching.
"I asked her this: ’You know, give me that chance to find myself since it’s very difficult...’
"I tend to hurt... and I tend to her."
BILLY NEEDS TO BE WITH HIS FAMILY. Idiniin din ni Billy na hindi siya nagpa-interview para humingi ng simpatiya o kaawaan siya ng mga tao.
"I mean, whatever happens, happens, e."
Nang tanungin siya ni Boy kung bakit gusto niyang gawin ang interbyung ito, sinabi ni Billy, "I really didn’t want to."
Pagkatapos nito ay ipinaliwanag niya kung bakit pumayag siya sa huli na magpa-interview.
"One, I need everybody to stop talking on our behalf."
Nakatakdang umalis si Billy sa August 3 upang makapiling muli ang kanyang mga magulang sa Amerika, at ayaw niya raw umalis nang hindi naipapaliwanag ang kanyang panig.
“That’s why I’m here, because I didn’t want to just leave and not say anything, and then for everybody to attack her [Nikki].
"And for everybody to speculate, to guess, whatever…
"For some reason, I needed to be with my mom and dad.
“I have to start from scratch. I have to start from… where did I come from? I came from my parents.
"I need to try and find what was making me happy before, who I was, and I just want to be with my family.”
THE REAL REASON. Inamin ni Billy na isa sa mga dahilan ng kanilang paghihiwalay ni Nikki ay nawalan siya ng oras para sa kanilang relasyon dahil sa trabaho.
Dahil sa hindi malinaw na sagot ni Billy tungkol sa tunay na dahilan ng kanilang breakup, diretsa niyang tinanong si Billy kung bakit sila naghiwalay ni Nikki.
Sagot niya, "It’s so hard to love someone and to continue on if I don’t even love myself. If I’m unhappy.
"I can’t force her to be a certain person that I want her to be.
"And it’s vice versa. She wasn’t able to force being someone that she thought I am.
"So, I think, sa akin lang, I just... it’s so hard because even ako, I’m searching, e.
"Because... I just don’t know."
Tumanggi namang sagutin ni Billy ang mga tanong kung nawalan na siya ng pagmamahal sa dating kasintahan o na-outgrow na nila ang isa’t isa.
Aniya lang, away niyang maging unfair kay Nikki.
"I love her... I still do.
"But it’s unfair to continue if I’m the one that’s... because I became distant.
“I don’t want to continue to hurt her because if I continued with this relationship, in the long run, talagang di na talaga kami magkakatugma, e.
“We don’t see eye to eye on things. We’re not on the same page anymore.”
Tanong ni Boy: Was it a bad separation?
"It happened numerous times, e," sagot ni Billy.
Nag-uusap ba sila?
"We haven’t really talked," pag-amin ni Billy.
Pero meron naman daw silang "formal goodbye."
FIGHTING FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP. Inamin din ni Billy na ipinaglaban nang husto ni Nikki ang kanilang relasyon, nang higit pa sa kanya.
“She fought," paulit-ulit niyang sabi.
“I tried, but she really stuck it out, I have to admit.
"And I’m admitting this because I respect her.”
Dagdag niya, “I just wasn’t there. I wasn’t myself."
Naintindihan ba ni Nikki kung bakit kailangan na ni Billy na tapusin ang kanilang relasyon?
“Mahirap naman na maintindihan ng isang tao yun, e,” sagot ng It’s Showtime host.
Nang ulitin ni Boy ang tanong, umiling lang si Billy.
Paliwanag niya, "If it was another story, I was seeing someone else or she is seeing someone else and it was a mess, it would have been easier for someone to say, ’Yes, it’s my fault.’"
Sinabi ni Billy na walang third party sa breakup nila ni Nikki.
Paano ipapaliwanag ni Billy sa mga nagmamahal sa kanila ni Nikki ang kinahinatnan ng relasyon nila?
"Pasensiya na kayo, ha," muli na namang naiyak na sabi ni Billy.
"Sa lahat din ng sumuporta sa relationship namin ni Nikki, I think I could say, from the both of us, we really thank you ’cause it did give us strength.
"But, I’m sorry. I really apologize to everyone that fought.
"’Cause it’s really pressuring, to be honest with you, na you are perceived as one of the looked-up couples... ideal couples here in the industry.
"And... mahirap i-continue.
"I just wanna say I’m sorry. I really apologize."
Sinabi ni Billy na napag-usapan na rin nila ni Nikki ang tungkol sa pagpapakasal.
"Umabot na sa puntong sino mga ninong, ninang; sinong mga best man... umabot na do’n siyempre.
"She’s an amazing person,” sambit pa niya tungkol kay Nikki.
Ipinaliwanag ni Billy na hindi na niya nagawang paligayahin si Nikki noong huling bahagi ng kanilang relasyon.
Nang hingan naman ng mensahe para kay Nikki, ito lamang ang nasabi ni Billy: “I hope you understand. That’s really all.”
Wala na bang pag-asang magkabalikan pa sila?
“Only God knows,” tugon ni Billy.
Ano naman ang mga natutunan niya sa breakup na ito?
Ayon kay Billy, “Sometimes, I feel like I’m not good enough. But I learned that importante pala na mahanap mo yung sarili mo muna.
"I think kung mas maligaya ka, mas madaling magpaligaya ng ibang tao.”
Ano ang dasal ni Billy?
"I feel like the devil is really, really strong, it’s trying to take me—and to defeat it.
"All I ask is for forgiveness and I just want Him to save me."