Hayden Kho Jr. admits multiple suicide attempts before his spiritual awakening

Hayden Kho Jr. on the new him: “I am not saying that I am perfect. I am not saying that I will be strong all the time because I will have my weak moments. But I have learned to admit that I am weak. My heart and nature is still sinful and nothing good will ever come out of my own heart kung ako lang mag-isa. But the beauty in that is that even if you can’t touch the Holy Spirit, even if we can’t touch God, he can fill us with His power."


Kaugnay ng pag-reinstate ng lisensiya niya bilang medical practitioner at ang pagbabago sa kanyang spiritual life, nagkaroon ng no-holds-barred interview si Hayden Kho Jr. sa Christian program na 700 Club Asia, noong July 23, sa GMA News TV.

Ang nag-interview kay Hayden ay ang former beauty queen na si Miriam Quiambao-Roberto at si Alex Tinsay.

Sa naturang interview, hindi nagtago ng anumang impormasyon si Hayden tungkol sa nangyari sa kanyang buhay noong kasagsagan ng sex-video scandal niya noong 2009.

Hindi rin itinanggi ni Hayden na noong mga panahon na iyon ay tatlong beses niyang sinubukang wakasan ang kanyang buhay.

Kung matatandaan ay nag-deny ang kampo noon ni Hayden tungkol sa kumalat na balitang nagtangka siyang mag-suicide.

May isang insidente pa ngang natagpuan daw na walang malay si Hayden sa isang pineapple plantation field sa Silang, Cavite, noong 2009.



THE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. Pero sa panayam niya sa 700 Club Asia ay detalyadong inamin ni Hayden ang madilim na parte na iyon ng kanyang buhay.

Saad niya, “Pagkatapos ko na malaman ang mga posibleng mangyari, nag-try akong mag-commit ng suicide.

“But I wasn’t successful. Three days akong naka-coma nun.

“I tried to hide from everyone else.

“All my indiscretions from the past were exposed. ‘Tapos yung Senate hearing... it was very, very humiliating.”

Ang tinutukoy ni Hayden ay ang isinagawang Senate hearing, sa pangunguna ni Senator Bong Revilla, kaugnay ng sex-video scandal niya.

Read: Senator Bong Revilla on Hayden Kho: "A pervert of the highest kind"

Read: Katrina Halili and Hayden Kho face each other at the Senate hearing

Patuloy ni Hayden, “Noong ma-revoke ang license ko, yun ang second time na mag-suicide ako.

“Dalawang Christmas time iyon—2009 and 2010.”

Kung sa unang attempt daw niya sa suicide ay hindi nagwakas ang kanyang buhay, sinigurado niya na sa ikalawang beses ay talagang matutuluyan na siya dahil sa mga droga na kanyang ininom.

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Lahad ni Hayden, “Yung second attempt ko, yung nangyari sa akin, parang imposibleng maka-survive ako.

“Hindi ko ma-explain medically.

“Paano mangyari na ang buong system ko ay okey pa rin. Wala akong kaproble-problema.

“Yung hearing test ko, blood test, EEG, ECG, MRI, CT scan, wala akong kasugat-sugat sa katawan.

“Kahit na nagkumbolsiyon ako violently sa isang plantation field noon, imposible na mangyayaring buhay ako.

“Yung unang attempt ko, 30 pieces of Valium iyon. So, that’s three times the lethal dose.

“Dapat bye-bye na ako, pero nagising ako.

“Yung pangalawang beses, almost 30 pieces of the drug—ecstacy.

“Sigurado na ako doon na tigok na ako. Pero nabuhay pa rin ako.

“Hindi man lang ako naging unconscious, e.

“So, napakaimposible talaga.

“May mga tao na baka hindi maniwala, pero ang epekto sa akin, imposibleng mangyari.”



FINDING THE ANSWER. Sa second failed suicide attempt ni Hayden, dito na niya naisip hanapan ng sagot kung bakit nabuhay pa rin siya.

“From what happened, I started seeking. I pursued yung pinaniniwalaan kong higher power.

“Siguro meron someone, somewhere, somehow may sagot sa nangyaring ito sa akin.

“I got into new spirituality. I tried crystal healing, yung mga angel readers, manghuhula… sinubukan ko lahat iyon.

“I even went to Arizona for the yoga retreat. ‘Tapos nag-offer pa kami ng mga sacrifices sa ancestors.

“Na-meet ko yung Korean version ng Jesus.

“Nagpunta pa ako ng Atlanta [Georgia, USA] at may lady na nagsabi sa akin na ang dating buhay ko raw ay na-betray ako ng aking wife, so I became a priest and then a pedophile in 1928.

“Lahat absurd, pero naniniwala ako noong mga time na iyon.”

Pero sa lahat ng mga nasubukan niyang mga grupo, wala pa ring nagpabago sa kanyang mga nararamdaman.

“Ito ang problema, sa dami-dami ng pinaniniwalaan ko, hindi pa rin nagbabago ang puso ko.

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“I still have the same compulsions, the same desires.

“So, parang naisip ko na kahit nandito na ang mga ito, paano naman ito?” sabay turo sa kanyang dibdib.

“If this life is all that there is, how am I going to secure my salvation in the next life?”

Dahil tila naging desperado na si Hayden sa paghahanap ng tamang sagot, naisip niyang muling wakasan ang buhay sa ikatlong beses.

Saad niya, “That time, I’ve been very, very sober from drugs.

“I’ve been trying very hard na maayos ang buhay ko, pero wala pa rin.

“Ang hirap-hirap to be on my own.

“So, last year, May 23, I decided to give up.

“Pagod na ako, e. Hindi ko na kaya ito. Ang hirap na mag-try nang mag-try.

“I bought drugs again. Sabi ko, ite-take ko ulit ang mga ito at gumawa ako ng unholy appointment.

“That was at 11 P.M.

"I know na kung iyon ulit ang tatahakin ko, ang bagsak ko talaga is suicide ulit.

“That time, wala na akong pakialam talaga.

"But... siguro nga sabi ni Lord, ‘Teka, teka, tama na ito.’"



SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. Noong araw na naghihintay na lang si Hayden sa oras ng kanyang pagpapakamatay, naimbitahan siya ng isang kaibigan para makinig sa kilalang Christian evangelist na si Dr. Ravi Zacharias.

Kuwento niya, “On that same day, a friend invited me to a dinner, kasi may speaker na isang Christian evangelist na si Dr. Ravi Zacharias.

“Kilala ko si Dr. Ravi Zacharias, kasi nabasa ko ang book niya before na Has Christianity Failed You?.

“I read it, kasi naisip ko na before I abandon my faith completely, basahin ko na ito.

“Ang nangyari, hindi ko natapos yung book, but I am familiar with his name.

“I find him very intelligent, very wise, and very humble.

“So, pumunta ako knowing na may time pa naman before mag-11 P.M.

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“I was kinda reluctant din to go kasi hindi ko naman trip iyon. But I still went to that dinner at 7 P.M.”

Patuloy niya, “Nung dumating nga si Dr. Ravi, hindi niya alam na magsasalita pala siya.

“Hindi pa siya kumakain, hindi siya prepared, wala siyang sermon book, but he was gracious enough to give a talk.

“He was talking about the truth and how you can find it in the Christian faith.

“After nun, nagtaas kaagad ako ng kamay. I said, ‘You speak about truth and truth be contained in the Christian faith, pero kung tutuusin, ang tagal-tagal na nating tao dito sa mundo, pero hindi pa rin natin alam kung ano ang totoo.

“’How can I expect na malaman ang totoo kasi ito lang ang buhay ko? I have been suffering a lot. I’ve been living in pain, guilt, and shame.’

“Ang nangyari, yung question ko, naging confession.

“Yung mga tao doon, nagtataka kung bakit nandoon din ako kasi it’s a Christian group.

“Nakinig at nakinig ako kay Dr. Ravi.

“’Tapos naramdaman niya kung gaano kabigat ang pinagdaraanan ko. Sinabi niya sa akin, ‘You seem to be a man made for the movies but you have all these problems.’

“’Tapos he gave me advice to surround myself by Christians and he told me to go find a mentor.

“He reminded me that, ‘Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.’”

Pagkatapos ng experience na iyon ni Hayden, doon na nagsimula ang kanyang pagbabago spiritually.

“After meeting and talking with Dr. Ravi, he wants to take me under his wings and asked me to travel with him.

“I said yes, and that was the beginning of my search for truth.

“I guess that’s how God found me again.

“Sabi ko nga minsan, ang Panginoon pinatawad na tayo bago pa man tayo humingi ng tawad.

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“I’ve been travelling with Dr. Ravi. We’ve been to Singapore, India, Indonesia, Atlanta, Arizona, and Los Angeles.”



NEW LIFE. Sa isang event ni Dr. Ravi sa Singapore, doon na nagbigay ng commitment si Hayden sa kanyang bagong buhay sa Panginoon.

“One time in Singapore, Dr. Ravi spoke of something that really struck me that was very true.

“Then, that was the time I gave my full commitment to the Lord.

“Naalala ko nga ang naging dasal sa sarili ko noon. Ang dasal ko, ‘Hindi ako sure kung totoo Ka, hindi ako sure na Ikaw nga ang sinasabi kong daan, pero I am willing to put my faith in You.

“’Susubukan ko. Pero kapag hindi ito totoo, mabilis pa sa alas-singko, kakalimutan ko itong lahat.’

“That kind of prayer is something very powerful.

“If you ask Jesus to reveal Himself to you, he will reveal Himself. Magpaparamdam Siya.

“God actually wants us to meet Him and know Him.

“Tayo lang naman yung may problema. Gusto natin lahat na maging Diyos tayo.

“Puwede ba naman iyon? Tingnan niyo ang nangyayari sa mundo. Mga giyera sa iba’t ibang bansa. Walang peace.

“Kasi nga, gusto nilang maging Diyos lahat.”

Sa paghahanap ni Hayden ng pagbabago sa kanyang buhay, nalaman niyang hindi siya ang may control sa kanyang buhay.

“I found Christ in the scripture. I read the scripture.

“Habang binabasa ko siya, tungkol pala sa akin ito. It’s how God loves us.

“As I seek His face and hear His voice, I found out that He was there all the time.

“Hindi siya nawala. Lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, nandoon Siya.

“The good and bad things that happened to me, He was in control.

“We have a God that is good and not evil.”



THE NEW HAYDEN. Ngayon, kung titingnan daw niya ang sarili, malaki na ang pinagkaiba niya sa dating Hayden Kho Jr.

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“On myself, I am the child of God that is adopted to His family.

“I have been forgiven. I am much loved.

“Although hindi pa tapos yung work Niya sa akin, alam kong magiging faithful Siya na matapos iyon.

“I have this passionate love for the Lord that I want to share this joy that I have with so many people.

“I am not saying that I am perfect.

“I am not saying that I will be strong all the time because I will have my weak moments.

“But I have learned to admit that I am weak.

“My heart and nature is still sinful and nothing good will ever come out of my own heart kung ako lang mag-isa.

“But the beauty in that is that even if you can’t touch the Holy Spirit, even if we can’t touch God, he can fill us with His power.

“And He guides us. He holds us with His right hand para hindi tayo nagkakamali.

“Yes, puwede pa rin tayong masaktan, puwede pa rin tayo magkamali, puwede pa rin tayo ma-disappoint, pero kailangan lang natin tandaan na may boundaries na si God para sa atin. Hindi na tayo mawawala.

“More than anything else, it’s humility.

“God chose to love us and be with us,” saad ni Hayden.


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