"I was told almost every night that I was unwanted."
Ito ang rebelasyon ni Cristine Reyes tungkol sa childhood wounds na nagdulot ng matinding trauma sa kanya mula noong siya ay anim na taong gulang hanggang sa tumuntong siya ng edad na 21.
Sa podcast ni Liza Florida na Eight Billion Project, ikinuwento ni Cristine na anim na taong gulang siya nang malaman niyang siya ay adopted child.
Ang itinuring niyang "Daddy Metring," na nagparamdam raw sa kanya ng tunay na parental love sa kabila ng simpleng buhay, ay hindi pala niya biological father.
Balik-tanaw ni Cristine: "So they sat me down, my Daddy Metring said... actually, it's not him. It's his wife Mommy Shirley.
"They told me, 'Your'e not our real child.' I was shocked. I don't even remember if i said something. I think I was in a state shock.
"They said, 'Your real mom is on the way here.'
"The next thing I remember, there's a lady entering the house. It was the first time I met her in my memory.
"I remember my mom pulling me out. I was holding my Daddy Metring tightly. In my head, 'Don't let me go! Don't let me go!' I was crying."
Nang makasakay sa kotse ng kanyang biological mother, puno pa rin ng paghihinagpis ang batang si Cristine.
"I still remember her driving. She said, 'You have to forget about them. They're not your family. I'm your mom.'
"So, I'm just quiet... I don't know her."
Pagdating ng bahay ng ina, naalala raw ni Cristine na malaki ang bahay na may limang malaking kuwarto. Kasya raw ang 10 hanggang 12 kotse sa laki ng garahe nila.
Pero sa murang edad ay hindi raw noon napawi ang sakit na dulot ng pagkawalay kay Daddy Metring.
Ani Cristine, "It wasn't a very welcome for me. I think I don't belong here.
"Ever since I moved to my biological mom, I felt that I didn't have a voice. As much as possible, I don't really talk."
Tingin ni Cristine, may mabuting puso pa rin ang ina niya nang magpasya itong kunin siya mula sa adopted family dahil kadugo niya ito.
"I ABORTED YOU SO MANY TIMES. YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED."
Pero napagtanto niyang wala raw kapasidad ang ina na alagaan silang anim na magkakapatid.
Puno raw ito ng galit sa puso na naibunton sa kanya.
Lahad ni Cristine: "I was very neglected at six years old. I remember whenever there's a problem, I would constantly hear words, 'You know, you should have died. You never should have been born.
"'I tried so many times to abort you. You're just something else. Your grip was there. You should have died.'"
Hindi lubos-maisip ni Cristine kung paano iyon nasabi ng sarili niyang ina.
Patuloy niya: "It was so painful. I grew up hearing that all the time.
"I came from a very loving family, a happy environment. And then all of a sudden, my life changed.
"What is this? I had to survive. I was always at survival mode at [the age of] six.
"That's when it started I always want to be alone. Because when I'm alone, I'm safe."
CRISTINE ON LIVING IN A "HELL HOUSE"
Ayon pa kay Cristine, "hell house" ang tawag niya noon sa malaking tirahan ng kanyang pamilya dahil sa masasakit na pananalita ng kanyang ina.
"For me, I know it's wrong. But I couldn't say, 'Don't say that.'
"Because in our culture, if you answer back, you are a disrespectful child. And you can't tell anyone about it.
"As a child, you just follow rules."
Kaya raw laking tuwa niya na kinalaunan ay nagkaroon siya ng sariling kuwarto kung saan puwede siya magkulong.
Siya ay 21 years old nang bumukod na siya sa pamilya at nagkaroon ng sariling bahay.
Pero nagdulot daw kay Cristine ng trauma ang karanasan niya. Palagi raw siyang takot dahil sa mga salitang ayaw ng ina niyang mabuhay siya sa mundo.
"Until now, I'm always scared," pag-amin pa ni Cristine.
JEALOUS OF OTHER people WITH LOVING MOMS
Napuno ng galit at bitterness ang puso ni Cristine dahil lumaki siya sa "unloving environment."
Hindi raw niya mapigilang mainggit sa mga kaklase at hanggang sa mga kasamahan niya sa showbiz na may mapagmahal na ina.
Lahad ni Cristine: "Even in school, whenever I see my classmates with their mom in school, 'Oh, why is the kid with her mom?' I see the mom taking good care of her child.
"I would have evil eyes. I'm so jealous. 'Why does she have that and I don't have it?'
"I carried it in my career in the showbiz industry. They have their moms taking care of them. They have someone protect them in the business industry.
"No, my daughter has to rest.' I didn't have that. I have to work until the morning.
"I remember my first commercial. It was already past 12 [midnight].
"I couldn't articulate what I wanna say. So I just give a bad behavior. Because I couldn't speak."
ACKNOWLEDING HER INNER WOUNDS
Sa dami ng pinagdaanan niya sa buhay, ang childhood wounds daw niya ang talagang tumatak at naging sanhi ng maling pananaw niya sa sarili.
Saad ni Cristine, "In life, there's always trials and pain. But for me, there's always that one thing that I'm crying about.
"Even though I've had a lot of trials and experiences in life—I've got a failed marriage.
"My sister and I had really huge issues together. But that doesn't affect me anymore."
Ang tinutukoy ni Cristine na estranged husband ay si Ali Khatibi. Unang nabalita ang hiwalayan nila noong January 2018. Mayroon silang isang anak na babae.
Ang tinutukoy naman niyang "sister" ay si Ara Mina, na nakaalitan ni Cristine noong 2012. Humantong pa ito sa pagsasampa ni Ara ng reklamong libel laban kay Cristine, pero sa huli ay nagkabati rin sila.
Pero mas matindi raw ang dagok na masabihan ng sariling ina na, "Nobody will love you. You're gonna be alone all your life."
Sabi pa ni Cristine, "It stuck in my head."
Naging "defense mechanism" daw kasi niya ang pananahimik at pag-iwas na tumingin sa mata ng ibang tao.
O kaya siya naman ang nagbabato ng masakit na salita sa ibang tao.
"Because I grew up like that. I thought it was normal to say bad things to other people."
Kaya raw pala minsan ay may impresyon ang iba na mayroon siyang "angry face" kahit sa mga pagkakataong hindi naman daw siya talaga galit.
"I WANT TO CUT THE CURSE."
Hinarap daw uli ni Cristine ang inner wounds niya nang siya ay sumailalim sa isang self-growth seminar o retreat habang siya ay nagbakasyon sa U.S.
Aniya, "Now, I'm realizing you can speak up. I can stand up for myself. I'm already 32 and I still have that in me wherein I can't speak my mind. I can say no if I don't want to...
"I wanna work on self-care. Yeah, I have this past. Yeah, I have a bad childhood. But you can always make a difference. You don't have to carry it."
Ngayong mas nakilala na niya ang sarili, napagtanto raw ni Cristine na maaari niyang palayain ang sarili sa mapait niyang nakaraan.
Paliwanag niya, "It's gonna be hard because I'm already old. They say you can't teach old dogs new tricks.
"But I think if there's a will, there's a way.
"Most importantly, surrounding myself with people who have the sense of real love and support."
Diin pa ni Cristine, "I wanna cut the curse in spreading bitterness, darkness, hatefulness in the world."
Nais daw niyang magkaroon ng mas mabuting pakikitungo sa ibang tao.
"All along I thought it's the people around me [who got it wrong]. It's me," tukoy ni Cristine sa kanyang inner wounds na nais niyang tuluyang maghilom.
"Now, I have to take full responsibility of everything that happened in my life."