It is normal to be overcome with emotions when we receive news of death.
We may not be close to the one who passed away, yet we cannot help but feel distraught upon realizing just how fleeting life is.
When the person who died happens to be famous or someone we have publicly followed throughout the years, there is an affinity involved that makes the loss hit close to home.
What more if the deceased was a friend, a mentor, an extended family member?
But before you search your phone’s camera roll for a photo with a dearly departed to share on Facebook or Instagram, hold yourself back for a second and think twice before clicking the post button.
Read: Relasyong nabuo sa Facebook, nauwi sa malagim na krimen sa unang pagkikita ng magkasintahan
PEP.ph (Philippine Entertainment Portal) spoke to grief coach and author Cathy S. Babao to find out essential social media etiquette when someone dies.
Cathy has trained with Dr. Alan Wolfelt at the Center for Loss and Transitions in Fort Collins, Colorado, U.S.A.
She has also received specialized training in the Grief Recovery Method, and has attended workshops on Prolonged Grief Disorder at Columbia University.
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AVOIDING SCOOP MENTALITY
First, it is important to wait for the formal announcement of death.
This is out of sensitivity to the immediate family members, and to extended family who may not be aware yet of the news.
“It’s very important to allow the family some private time to process their loss,” Cathy explains in an email interview.
“So unless you’ve been told explicitly by the family to announce the death, then you must not go ahead of them and make an announcement or express your sympathies for a death that has not yet been announced by the immediate family.”
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Having empathy and placing yourself in the shoes of family members help to give us pause. Imagine living abroad and finding out about your loved one’s death from an unverified Facebook post by a random stranger.
Aside from the common courtesy and respect we need to extend to the bereaved, there are other matters we need to consider.
Cathy expounds, “There may also be legal and financial matters that the family needs to arrange for, especially in cases of a sudden death. Pre-empting the family’s announcement could put those matters in jeopardy.”
As a good rule of thumb, hold off on making any posts before the family has made an official announcement to the public.
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Cathy stresses on this point, especially in the age of social media where people seem to be in a contest to put out information first, whether it has been verified or not.
She notes:
“We must avoid this SCOOP mentality at all costs when it comes to a death."
Why?
"A loss is something that needs to be given time, and the family’s wishes must be respected and prioritized at all cost.”
In August 2022, NBA player Kobe Bryant’s widow Vanessa Bryant and her co-plaintiff Christopher Chester won a lawsuit against the Los Angeles County Sheriff and Fire departments.
The suit claimed that their constitutional rights were infringed upon. This is because of the taking and unofficial sharing of horrible photos of the 2020 helicopter crash that killed Kobe, his daughter Gianna, Christopher’s wife and daughter, and five others.
Vanessa and Christopher asserted that the photos resulted in their emotional distress and violation of privacy. They were awarded a total of $31 million in damages. Witness testimony included a deputy who confirmed that he shared photos of the crash while playing a video game.
Read: Petsang July 10, two deaths ang gugunitain ng Pinoy viewers
WHEN TO POST YOUR TRIBUTE AND CONDOLENCES
While your wish to offer your condolences via social media is genuine and from the heart, it is still best to wait until the news come from the family or their official representative.
Cathy, who is also a loss and transitions coach, underscores, “WAIT. Please wait for the family to announce the death first. Unless you have been designated as the family’s spokesperson, DO NOT under any circumstance, no matter how deep your grief might be, go ahead of the family in announcing the passing of their loved ones.”
She adds: “If you are a true friend and care about the family, you will wait and respect the family’s need for privacy. Your tribute can wait a few days. The family will appreciate this gesture more.”
Cathy, who has written two books on grief, offers a way on how to convey your condolences.
“You can write tributes after the death has been announced,”
she says.
“You may opt to tag the bereaved family, but it may be better to just send a copy of your tribute or your sympathies through email or Messenger, Viber, WhatsApp, etc.”
This way, the bereaved may read the tributes in their private time even long after the loved one has been buried. They will also have an easier way to re-read them in the future if they so wish.
Upon sending your messages, you can let them know they have no obligation to reply. This is to ease them of the pressure of accommodating others in their time of mourning.
CAUSE OF DEATH
Another crucial thing to remember is respecting the family’s decision to keep their loved one’s cause of death private. Refrain from joining in speculation or theories, especially in public fora such as social media.
Cathy emphasizes that one must never ask about the cause of death in a comment thread.
“That’s really in bad taste,” she remarks. “You must NOT even ask the bereaved family in a private message. You wait for the family to say something about the cause of death. That is their right and their discretion.
"It is enough to offer sympathies, prayers, and support. There is NO need to pry or speculate.”
The media also has an important role in reporting on deaths that are sensitive in nature.
Suicides, for example, must be handled in a responsible manner. This includes using particular terms and phrases to avoid stigmatizing, interviewing experts, highlighting hope and help, as well as adding a note at the end about mental health hotlines and sources that readers can access.
In this vein, social media users must pick their news sources with discernment to avoid spreading misinformation and disinformation.
Cathy, who also holds a Masters degree in Family Psychology and Education, provides more recommendations on how to express our bereavement on social media.
Being respectful at all times is a good guide on how to proceed.
She recounts, “Wait for the family to announce the death. If no cause of death is given, respect it and don’t pry.”
She adds: “Remember to reach out to the bereaved not only in the days right after the death but also in the weeks or months after. Check in on them privately through a message so that they’ll know that you continue to think about them.”
For netizens who do not have direct communication with the family of the one who died, leaving respectful comments on their social media accounts will always go a long way.